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May 17, 2016
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Thanks to W., any idiot can take the oath of office.

Now that Donald Trump has pretty much secured the Republican nomination for president, we need to take a moment to thank the man who made this incredible historical moment possible: George W. Bush, our nation’s very first dumb president. Number 43 paved the way for idiots everywhere to say, “Hey, I can be president, too. Also, I’m hungry. Oh no. I can’t remember how I get rid of my hunger. I think I’m supposed to…eat? I forgot how to do that. Again. Dang.”

Sure, there have been bad presidents before. And George W. Bush isn’t the first ever complete dingus to hold that office. How could we forget Warren G. Harding, James Buchanan, and last but not least, that weak little idiot William Henry Harrison? He died of pneumonia a few weeks after delivering the longest inaugural address in history in the pouring rain. That’s pretty fucking stupid. But those noodleheads were zip compared to W., and for that we salute our top-notch dingus.

George W. Bush broke dumbass ground because he had the bravery to do the big old stupid things as well as the little old stupid things. From choking on pretzels to starting unwinnable wars, he proved that you don’t need book smarts and you certainly don’t need street smarts to hold the highest office in the most powerful country in the entire world.

W. made it possible for fools, cretins, blockheads, dumdums, dumbos, dumbbells, morons, half-wits, twits, nitwits, ignoramuses, ninnies, dorks, jackasses, dolts, numbskulls, oafs, goof-offs, goons, donkeys, tools, yo-yos, lamebrains, addlebrains, featherbrains, lunks, chumps, boobs, dodos, dolts, and dullards to become president.

Finally, there was someone to stand up for all the fools, cretins, blockheads, dumdums, dumbos, dumbbells, morons, half-wits, twits, nitwits, ignoramuses, ninnies, dorks, jackasses, dolts, numbskulls, oafs, goof-offs, goons, donkeys, tools, yo-yos, lamebrains, addlebrains, featherbrains, lunks, chumps, boobs, dodos, dolts, and dullards that vote.

So here’s three cheers for George W. Bush and the inescapable perversion of his already idiotic legacy: Donald Trump. Bush was true American who proved that with the right combination unbeatable confidence and an ignorant electorate there can be no limit to your hopes and dreams. To you, George W. Bush, we say: derp.

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