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August 23, 2016

Dear Elon, I got your glossy brochure in the mail last week.

Dear Elon Musk, thanks for the letter


Dear Elon,

I got your glossy brochure in the mail last week. My heart started racing when I saw the wide envelope because I thought you had created a Tesla Motors University and accepted me. But fret not for my joy lived on when I saw the renderings of the Model 3 that I ordered. You made a beautiful car. Well, you still have to make it.

By the way, could you hustle that process along? My ’06 Subaru doesn’t purr like it used to. Then again, the Model 3 won’t purr at all. Can you make my car sound like a Space X Falcon 9 lifting off? I’m like a motorcycle driver. I need the attention.

Are you going Burning Man again this year? I heard you came up with the idea for Solar City out there. By the way, what’s up with that Solar City merger thing. I’m no mathematician, but 100 trillion gazillion in debt plus 100 million billion in debt, I believe, creates a larger sum of debt. Though, cars running off sunshine does have a nice ring to it.

Speaking of ring, are you getting back out there to meet a new lady friend? Props on the cover up; you’ve been sleeping at the Tesla factory to “make sure production is on time.” The old ‘I’m sleeping over at my friend’s house’ and then sneaking off to meet up with a cutie. I practically patented that technique in 7th grade. So who’s the lucky lady? It’s Kelly from the PR department, isn’t it!

I’ve been thinking, hypothetically speaking, if one were to activate Bioweapon Defense Mode on a Model X and then rip a fart, one could engulf the car with methane and impair the driver’s ability to drive. Not to mention the prospective flammability of the air. Major safety issue. You might want to get an intern on that.

I know you’ve been a little busy lately. That’s why I’ve come up with a way to fund all of your ventures by means of a new innovative product:

Elon’s Musk – The cologne for the up-and-coming entrepreneurI know a guy in the perfume game. We can have a prototype by end of Q3, make it the standard “new car smell” in all Model 3’s, and then get Peter Thiel to endorse it so that all his tech disciples will follow suit. Oh, wait, after backing Trump, Pete’s endorsement is as meaningful as my dog Pongo’s. To be fair, Pongo is well-respected in the Golden Retriever athletic community. But he steers clear of pawlitics.

Anyhow, I’m with you all the way captain. Let’s accelerate this transition to a clean future. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to Mars and drop nukes on it with you bro.