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Published August 07, 2014

Tucker Sherwood

No one is nice for free, if someone is sucking your dick there is a 100% chance they are looking to get something out of it. Funny or Die columnist Tuck Sherwood surveys the nation and determines what self-serving hucksters are out there sucking down dicks for their own personal gain.


Activate that light saber Star Wars fans because Big Disney is about to deep throat the whole thing and you know it won’t damage their insides because the esophagus of every Disney exec is lined with the impenetrable cement made from mixing the jism of the innocent with the cold hard cash of the gullible. Behold, on a call this week with investors (read: Disney’s top suck job receivers) CEO Bob Iger announced that, oh yes, there’s about to be a whole lot more Star Wars at Disneyland theme parks. And Star Wars fans across the galaxy cheered… but all I heard was the fool-gasm moans of a subculture unknowingly getting their balls drained in exchange for an inexhaustible amount of dollar bills. Wake up Star Wars fans, you are getting your dick sucked!!

And I know it feels good. “A new Star Wars trilogy!” you cry “one off Star Wars movies too!“ Hell, we are entering a future where every movie/fanboy-blowjob will be set in the Star Wars universe, from rom-com-face-cums to edging-of-your-seat spy thrillers. And every one of these maw slaws should be considered A CRIME. People, I can’t say this enough: If you are getting a knob-job and you are just sitting there enjoying it, YOU ARE BEING SCAMMED. Ladies, you too. Anytime ANYONE promises to go down on you, you better take out your mace and spray that con artist down. There isn’t a human alive that wants to give you a mouth induced orgasm without getting something from you in return. That’s been true since the time of the bible when Headmaster Judas ate the wads of Jesus until, guess what, he started getting hummers from Pontius Pilate.

But hey, who am I other than just another man who has been refusing blow jobs for over 30 years and has a top notch lifestyle to show for it. Don’t listen to me! Go ahead, stand in line for Greedo’s Magic Face Fuck, take your photo riding It’s A Small Death Star Dong Slobber After All, and make sure you are tall enough to plummet down Splooge Mouth-an of Endor. But be warned, the only one getting any real pleasure from these “entertainments” is Corporate America, his mouth may be tight as a soft melon, but his pockets are wide as a canyon with cash.

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