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Published June 04, 2012 More Info »
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Published June 04, 2012

My parents and I never had “the talk.” I learned more about sex during 5th grade recesses than from my mom and dad. It was there that I found a condom (still wrapped, thank Christ), stretched it over my forearm, and made gun noises with my mouth while pretending to be Iron Man (note to self: explore Iron Man porno idea-- call it, well, Iron Man). Two years later, with little more than that experience and a near-constant erection, I was tossed into the woods of manhood to embark on a lifelong hunt for as much tang as possible.

I had nowhere to turn. I found solace where men often do in times of sexual crisis: porn. I waded through sticky keys and spyware to learn the ins and outs of the in-and-out. I watched a lot of it. All guys do, but I was more like the guy in the Matrix who was in that room with thousands of TVs. Except each TV had at least three nipples on it.

Since then I’ve done okay. I’ve managed to avoid embarrassment with the age-old trick of figuring it out as I go along. Porn can mislead in a few key ways, though. I come (get it, come?) with a few tidbits to help you learn some of the things I had to learn the hard (get it, hard?) way.

The Art of Seduction

This is how a porno usually starts: a guy will whip it out, then a girl will say “Ooh!”and hungrily gulp it down.

A screenshot from the first scene of "Michele Bachmann: Swallowing the Republican Caucus."

That’s almost never how the real world works. There will be no “Ooh!” Only “Aaaah!” and a slap in the face and a permanent ban from the Starbucks in Coral Gables. In real life, you have to talk to women (beyond figuring out a non-monetary way to pay for pizza). You have to buy them shit and feed them. You probably have to be nice to them. I don't even really know. The point is, you have to do work.

Maneuvers 

Porn-stars will try a bunch of stuff. Meat slaps, standing 69s, the Incredible Hulk, the confused Ferrigno. Everything's fair game.

Right. So I sit on your head or something?

Don't be alarmed. The pros may do a bunch of insane tricks, but sex should is like riding a dirt bike: if you don't have the experience to do all that stuff, just be happy that you're riding and let your sweet Fox Racing jacket cause the ladies to roll in.

Size

This is one most guys will need to get over, but not me. Huge dong here. I remember having to shower for basketball and getting picked on. “HEY, TREE DICK! IS THAT A PENIS OR A 2-LITER OF COKE? WHAT A FREAK,” they’d shout at me. “YOUR PELVIS LOOKS LIKE AN ELEPHANT WITH A MUSTACHE!” I’d try to run out of the shower crying, but my abnormally thick penis would never fail to trip me up. It was very traumatic. Of course, I eventually grew into my dick. Now with a good attitude and a ton of lube, there’s nothing my dick and I can’t accomplish.

Ladies, can you excuse us for a second? You look beautiful by the way. I really like your bangs.

Are they gone?

Ok, that was BS. My penis is average and her bangs look like shit. On the stereotype scale, I fall somewhere between Jewish and Greek probably. Just know that in the same way a white guy can succeed in the NBA with a wet jumper, a white guy can succeed with the ladies with a wet tongue. For guys like me (and you, DON'T LIE), oral sex is the 3-pointer of the bedroom.

Climax

Most pornos finish with a scene that's straight out of the end of the Teen Choice Awards.

Use of the Olsen twins not coincidental.

Real life seems to go a little differently. I asked some ladies on the street if they cared about how much a man ejaculates. I got the following responses:

  • "Do I know you?"
  • "That's not something you ask your mother"
  • "Not really I guess."
  • "I'm not gay, why would you ask me that?"

There you have it. Pretty conclusive evidence that ladies don't care and that I need to work on my survey-taking.

 

In conclusion, we're lucky ladies (or gents) let us take 'em to pound town at all. Use your head and your brain and don't have a baby unless you want one but you shouldn't want one until you're more financially stable. Happy boning.

 

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