May 12, 1982
Saw you guys at the Palladium last night. You guys rocked! Queen is one of the greatest rock supergroups of all time, I’m sure of it. And I am certain of one other thing: You will be getting a lot of women once this new album comes out. A LOT.
Of course you know this. Don’t mean to bore you with telling you it over and over again, just glad to have you guys as part of the team. Together, “We ARE the Champions!”
June 1, 1982
Just heard the new cut, “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Great work! I see someone else shares my taste in women. I’m sure you will “Find Somebody to Love” you very soon.
Good luck on your show tonight, you’ll do great. And it was great seeing you the other night and meeting all the other men in your dressing room. Guess I just missed the swarm of female groupies that undoubtedly were knocking down the door! Then again not much I could do in that department, I am, after all, married…. it IS a "Crazy Little Thing Called Love!"
Anyway, great to see you when you weren’t “Under Pressure.” Keep in touch!
June 9, 1982
I heard you guys have been in the studio a couple weeks. I know, all that work has probably got you saying “I Want to Break Free.” Me too! Maybe you and your pal Jim Hutton could come by my bungalow party tonight. Plenty of available ladies. PLENTY.
I should introduce you to my sister in law Terry. “SHE Will Rock You!” Oh, to be single again!
PS – Jim is a hairdresser, no? Could he do my wife’s hair while we all watch the game? Thx
August 10, 1982
Why haven't you returned any of my letters? I saw you at the Hollywood Bowl last night and you buzzed past that entire crowd of female groupies without even a second glance. That one girl was going crazy for you! Oh well, I guess “Another One Bites the Dust!”
Seriously, is something wrong?
October 19, 1982
Saw you at Studio 54 the other night, not sure if you saw me. Were you fighting with that guy up in the balcony? It looked like you two were fighting each other pretty hard.
If you ever run into trouble like that again, let me know. NOBODY messes with Freddie Mercury on my watch. Least of all a small, flexible, nubile, 18-year-old Filipino boy.
December 12, 1982
Someone told me you are gay. WHAT?!?!?!?! What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA—
The author’s head exploded before he could finish writing this sentence.