Izzy Dumps Vinny
We’re back in Paradise as Izzy FINALLY finishes blow-drying her hair and sits down with Vinny. Vinny pours out his heart to Izzy, telling her she is why he’s there.
Izzy reiterates that she would like to explore things with Lamp Brett. Vinny feels blindsided.
Izzy: “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”
Izzy half-heartedly tries to get Vinny to stay.
Vinny ends up having to comfort Izzy through her dumping him.
Izzy goes into the bathroom and sobs that he’s leaving because of her.
Vinny leaves upset.
Everyone Reacts to Vinny’s Departure
Carly feels like this is reminiscent of her breakup with Kirk last summer.
Dick Pastor Evan is disappointed in Izzy “dropping a bomb on him.”
Jared, our resident expert on the unusual physics of Paradise, astutely weighs in.
The King and Queen of Paradise Return
Carly’s confessional: “Vinny just left and we’re all like, ‘Oh my gosh, does love even exist here?’” Luckily immediately afterwards, Jade and Tanner, the “winners” of last season of BIP, return to remind everyone that love DOES exist here.
They discuss how much this place means to them.
Janner Interviews the Contestants
Jade and Tanner sit each couple down to see who they think will make it “after paradise” and is therefore worthy of a special “Janner” date card. Dick Pastor Evan and Carly are first. Carly tries to gloss over her indecision with Evan.
Grant and Lace are next. They explain how Grant is the only one of them who has said ‘I love you.’ Grant tries to hold a smile as long as physically possible.
Janner picks up on how hesitant Lace is. Lace is pissed with how they came off to other people. She also doesn’t like how he repeats himself a lot.
Asshole Josh prepares for his interview with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda by mocking Vile Nick Viall again and twisting out the kinks in the shell of his human form.
Josh puts on a show, saying 1000 compliments and kissing Amanda in front of Janner to try to win their approval. Tanner: “You beat Nick again.”
Josh even says some aggressive shit about bribing them to get the date card.
Tanner’s confessional: “I feel like he’s putting on too much so we also worry if there’s an ulterior motive.” It’s ALMOST as if Janner met with the producers to figure out which storylines to propagate?!
Janner meets with Vile Nick Viall and Jen. Tanner: “Third time’s the charm!” If anyone ever stops giving Nick shit about how many times he’s done this I will cry.
Nick: “Cool.” Next up is Caila and Jared. Ashley’s confessional: “It’s a nightmare scenario. Now I’m worried about Jared and Caila being the next Jade and Tanner.” It goes well and Janner can “see them falling in love.” Tanner also reminds the audience that Jared is his good friend so no biases here.
Next up is Ashley CrI, ALONE. Ashley: “I’m once again the least desirable woman in the kingdom.
Ashley: “My biggest fear is that [Jared] leaves engaged to Caila… I’m really thinking of her as a faker person.” Ashley goes hard in da paint to take down Caila.
Ashley CrI’s confessional: “I just hit the nail in the coffin for Jared.”
“Jared and Caila are not in consideration for Jade and Tanner’s date card. No way!”
This season is designed specifically to torture Ashley CrI, so Jared and Caila get the special Janner date card.
Ashley CrI: “Like, what the hell?! This is the worst scenario.”
Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Dear God, please hope that Jared today realizes that Caila sucks and I’m a lot more fun and she is a little piece of shit.”
We check in briefly with Nick and Jen. Vile Nick Viall explains why he’s been cautious to Jen: “I basically would’ve been engaged to two different girls. If I jump in again and get dumped, I become like a Trivial Pursuit question. I don’t want to be a joke, you know.”
Jen’s confessional: “I’m not going to hurt him. I have real feelings for Nick. Fuck.”
Caila and Jared go on the Janner Date
They’re in the same location that two people who fell in love once were also physically present in, so WHO KNOWS what will happen?! Jared tells Caila that he likes her despite all of what Ashley has done. Caila: “Walking on eggshells around her isn’t helping us.”
Jared’s confessional: “There was something about Caila. I could understand what Ben was talking about. She’s just got this quality that just makes her incredibly sexy.”
They strip down in a lagoon and make out.
Meanwhile, Ashley CrI feels “completely helpless ‘cause [she’s] forced to watch Jared falling for somebody else… Caila has the sex appeal that I don’t. She is like flirty, sexy girl and I am like, not sexy.”
Ashley CrI: “Them going to the fantasy suite… ”
“…I would die. I would actually. Because knowing Jared, in most cases he wouldn’t do anything but I feel like she does have something on him…”
“He’s gonna do stuff in the fantasy suite and that is literally going to murder me. That’s the death of heartbreak.”
The Next Morning…
Dick Pastor Evan tells Carly he had a few long-term girlfriends in high school as well as a year of “fucking everybody.” Carly’s confessional: “You put off zero sexual vibe to me, you’ve never made a move, you act asexual.”
What great timing! Dick Pastor Evan gets a date card.
Dick Pastor Evan and Carly go on the Hut Date
People wearing headdresses rattle stuff outside a hut.
Carly’s confessional: “This is really up Evan’s alley. Like, he loves this weird stuff.”
Guy speaking Spanish: “Welcome to Vallejo Ranch. You’ve come to the temezcal to release a negative energy… the work you’re doing is a rebirth.” K.
There’s more chanting and rattling and fire. They drip sweat and talk about their fears. Dick Pastor Evan: “You accept my weird and my crazy and my everything.”
Then they pour water over each other.
Both of them feel that they’ve had a breakthrough and really connected. Carly’s confessional: “I’m so attracted to him as a human being and his soul that it’s making him like, look different to me on the outside as well. Now my lady boner is finally back.”
Back in Paradise, Ashley CrI. Runs Interference
Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Before I left for Paradise, I was friends with Caila but then I arrive here and I’m like, ‘Oh, this girl’s a disloyal bitch.’ I mean that girl is fricking fake.”
“But I really think the only reason that I feel OK is because I know him better than her and I know how to get a reaction out of him. I’m his like, main chick.”
“Like, you may be making out with him but I can make out with his mind.”
“I know how to stimulate him correctly.”
Ashley tells Jared: “It’s obvious that you are more into her than she is into you.” Jared: “It’s not like I don’t see that but I try to not think about it and just work towards something.” Ashley: “She is a robot Jared. I’m sorry. I think she just likes the thought of having something televised as a happily ever after. You think it’s coming from this whole place of jealousy though and I don’t want you to think that.”
Jared: “I’ve trusted you all along. I don’t think you would sabotage anything that I have.”
Ashley: “She is not awesome.” Ashley’s confessional: “Yes, I’m not like this temptress and I’m not like this sexy girl who can just giggle and like smile like that but I am a girl who can like, dig deep in him and it’s fun. It’s fun to threaten her.”
Jared immediately goes to tell Caila that “people” are questioning how into him she is. Caila says she likes him. Jared: “We’ve been on two dates and each one’s better than the next.” What does that mean?
Caila is an extraordinary detective because she automatically figures out that the person saying this shit is Ashley.
Caila: “She told you to be careful?” Jared: “Um, yeah.” Caila: “She is in love with you.” Jared: “Well, I don’t know if she is.” Caila: “She is… I need to talk to her.”
Caila Pulls Ashley CrI. for a One-on-One
Caila tells Ashley that Jared told her that Ashley is questioning her feelings. Caila: “If every day this is brought up, when is he ever gonna trust me more than he trusts you?” Ashley: “Yeah, I don’t know if he’s ever gonna trust you more than he trusts me.” Caila: “It’s gonna stall my relationship with Jared but we are trying to make you comfortable.”
Ashley’s confessional: “She refers to them as a ‘we’ and I’m like, ‘OK’. I want to scratch her eyes out.”
Caila: “If you were honestly here to meet someone else then you should just focus on that.” Ashley: “I know but there’s nobody right now.”
Caila: “OK so you’re just gonna sabotage everyone else? Like you want to entertain yourself?”
To be continued…
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