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September 01, 2016
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The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

Izzy Dumps Vinny

We’re back in Paradise as Izzy FINALLY finishes blow-drying her hair and sits down with Vinny. Vinny pours out his heart to Izzy, telling her she is why he’s there.

But I’m really here because I can’t get enough of that little foot.

Izzy reiterates that she would like to explore things with Lamp Brett. Vinny feels blindsided.

Really thought we’d string this out at least until we sobered up.

Izzy: “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you but the first thing I want to do is bone Lamp Brett… so…

Izzy half-heartedly tries to get Vinny to stay.

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No… Vinny… Wait… Stay… Having you miserably watch me get it on with Brett was a huge part of the draw?

Vinny ends up having to comfort Izzy through her dumping him.

You just weren’t the Onesie for me? Does that help?

Izzy goes into the bathroom and sobs that he’s leaving because of her.

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Vinny leaves upset.

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I’m leaving just like all of my barbershop customers leave my shop.

Everyone Reacts to Vinny’s Departure

Carly feels like this is reminiscent of her breakup with Kirk last summer.

Except Kirk left me for more of a figurative lamp.

Dick Pastor Evan is disappointed in Izzy “dropping a bomb on him.”

SHOCKER, Dick Pastor Evan is feeling the extreme end of an emotion.

Jared, our resident expert on the unusual physics of Paradise, astutely weighs in.

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The King and Queen of Paradise Return

Carly’s confessional: “Vinny just left and we’re all like, ‘Oh my gosh, does love even exist here?’” Luckily immediately afterwards, Jade and Tanner, the “winners” of last season of BIP, return to remind everyone that love DOES exist here.

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I want someone else to find what we found here, a career earning $1 million annually selling shit on Instagram.

They discuss how much this place means to them.

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First, Mommy went on Bachelor and showed everyone her Playboy photos. Then Mommy went on the spinoff show and made out with a few different guys, then narrowed it down to Daddy. Then they lived happily ever after hocked teeth whitener and hair pills on social media and didn’t have to get real jobs ever again!

Janner Interviews the Contestants

Jade and Tanner sit each couple down to see who they think will make it “after paradise” and is therefore worthy of a special “Janner” date card. Dick Pastor Evan and Carly are first. Carly tries to gloss over her indecision with Evan.

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My body and my mind were saying NO, GROSS! But then some persuasive producers straightened me right out!

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Janner nails it.

Grant and Lace are next. They explain how Grant is the only one of them who has said ‘I love you.’ Grant tries to hold a smile as long as physically possible.

We’re so so so so so happy. I love her so much. Even when she’s callously and openly mocking to strangers how she hasn’t said ‘I love you’ back to me.

Janner picks up on how hesitant Lace is. Lace is pissed with how they came off to other people. She also doesn’t like how he repeats himself a lot.

Asshole Josh prepares for his interview with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda by mocking Vile Nick Viall again and twisting out the kinks in the shell of his human form.

Josh puts on a show, saying 1000 compliments and kissing Amanda in front of Janner to try to win their approval. Tanner: “You beat Nick again.”

She’s the best Mom and a good person and the sweetest. She’s like a sweet, little needy pizza. I mean, pawn for my evil master plan. I mean, woman.

Josh even says some aggressive shit about bribing them to get the date card.

Don’t get too excited tho, it’s 90% cheese pizzas.

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Tell them sweetie. I SAID, TELL THEM!!!! MWARGHHGHADOSIDJFHOISADF!!!!!

Tanner’s confessional: “I feel like he’s putting on too much so we also worry if there’s an ulterior motive.” It’s ALMOST as if Janner met with the producers to figure out which storylines to propagate?!

Janner meets with Vile Nick Viall and Jen. Tanner: “Third time’s the charm!” If anyone ever stops giving Nick shit about how many times he’s done this I will cry.

Nick: “Cool.” Next up is Caila and Jared. Ashley’s confessional: “It’s a nightmare scenario. Now I’m worried about Jared and Caila being the next Jade and Tanner.” It goes well and Janner can “see them falling in love.” Tanner also reminds the audience that Jared is his good friend so no biases here.

Next up is Ashley CrI, ALONE. Ashley: “I’m once again the least desirable woman in the kingdom.

And we all know what I like to do with struggle-buses… throw Caila under them!

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We really need to get this down perfectly for the producers to be able to recreate as closely as possible in reality?

Ashley: “My biggest fear is that [Jared] leaves engaged to Caila… I’m really thinking of her as a faker person.” Ashley goes hard in da paint to take down Caila.

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And I can say that, as a completely objective third-party observer.

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “I just hit the nail in the coffin for Jared.”

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“Jared and Caila are not in consideration for Jade and Tanner’s date card. No way!”

Good to know Ashley is just as delusional about her friendships as she is about her romantic relationships.

This season is designed specifically to torture Ashley CrI, so Jared and Caila get the special Janner date card.

Ashley CrI: “Like, what the hell?! This is the worst scenario.”

I nailed that coffin SO shut. I just don’t understand what could have happened. It’s almost as if my perceptions of reality are skewed from what is actually going on?

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Dear God, please hope that Jared today realizes that Caila sucks and I’m a lot more fun and she is a little piece of shit.”

We check in briefly with Nick and Jen. Vile Nick Viall explains why he’s been cautious to Jen: “I basically would’ve been engaged to two different girls. If I jump in again and get dumped, I become like a Trivial Pursuit question. I don’t want to be a joke, you know.”

Jen’s confessional: “I’m not going to hurt him. I have real feelings for Nick. Fuck.”

Caila and Jared go on the Janner Date

They’re in the same location that two people who fell in love once were also physically present in, so WHO KNOWS what will happen?! Jared tells Caila that he likes her despite all of what Ashley has done. Caila: “Walking on eggshells around her isn’t helping us.”

Well… Idk, I find it’s better not to really disturb the eggshells tho? Like, the eggshells have some dirt on you they threaten to leak if you don’t obey their every whim?

Jared’s confessional: “There was something about Caila. I could understand what Ben was talking about. She’s just got this quality that just makes her incredibly sexy.”

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There’s just this, quality about her… Can’t put my finger on it. Can though. And did.

They strip down in a lagoon and make out.

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Calvin Klein gets after his favorite qualititties.

Meanwhile, Ashley CrI feels “completely helpless ‘cause [she’s] forced to watch Jared falling for somebody else… Caila has the sex appeal that I don’t. She is like flirty, sexy girl and I am like, not sexy.”

Ashley CrI: “Them going to the fantasy suite… ”

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“…I would die. I would actually. Because knowing Jared, in most cases he wouldn’t do anything but I feel like she does have something on him…”

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“He’s gonna do stuff in the fantasy suite and that is literally going to murder me. That’s the death of heartbreak.”

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Think the death of heartbreak might have already happened in the dirty lagoon through his Calvins…

The Next Morning…

Dick Pastor Evan tells Carly he had a few long-term girlfriends in high school as well as a year of “fucking everybody.” Carly’s confessional: “You put off zero sexual vibe to me, you’ve never made a move, you act asexual.”

What great timing! Dick Pastor Evan gets a date card.

Ask for Swag and Thee Shall Receive Swag

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Dick Pastor Evan and Carly go on the Hut Date

People wearing headdresses rattle stuff outside a hut.

Carly’s confessional: “This is really up Evan’s alley. Like, he loves this weird stuff.”

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Guy speaking Spanish: “Welcome to Vallejo Ranch. You’ve come to the temezcal to release a negative energy… the work you’re doing is a rebirth.” K.

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This looks JUST like my sacred womb.

There’s more chanting and rattling and fire. They drip sweat and talk about their fears. Dick Pastor Evan: “You accept my weird and my crazy and my everything.”

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Then they pour water over each other.

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Both of them feel that they’ve had a breakthrough and really connected. Carly’s confessional: “I’m so attracted to him as a human being and his soul that it’s making him like, look different to me on the outside as well. Now my lady boner is finally back.”

Is it?

Back in Paradise, Ashley CrI. Runs Interference

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Before I left for Paradise, I was friends with Caila but then I arrive here and I’m like, ‘Oh, this girl’s a disloyal bitch.’ I mean that girl is fricking fake.”

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“But I really think the only reason that I feel OK is because I know him better than her and I know how to get a reaction out of him. I’m his like, main chick.”

You know how the main chick hides in the shadows, sobbing, while the SIDE chick makes out with the dude?

“Like, you may be making out with him but I can make out with his mind.”

“I know how to stimulate him correctly.”

Ashley tells Jared: “It’s obvious that you are more into her than she is into you.” Jared: “It’s not like I don’t see that but I try to not think about it and just work towards something.” Ashley: “She is a robot Jared. I’m sorry. I think she just likes the thought of having something televised as a happily ever after. You think it’s coming from this whole place of jealousy though and I don’t want you to think that.”

Jared: “I’ve trusted you all along. I don’t think you would sabotage anything that I have.”

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All of your past and present behavior leads me to the obvious conclusion that you just want my romantic happiness, even if it’s not with you.

Ashley: “She is not awesome.” Ashley’s confessional: “Yes, I’m not like this temptress and I’m not like this sexy girl who can just giggle and like smile like that but I am a girl who can like, dig deep in him and it’s fun. It’s fun to threaten her.”

Jared immediately goes to tell Caila that “people” are questioning how into him she is. Caila says she likes him. Jared: “We’ve been on two dates and each one’s better than the next.” What does that mean?

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We’ve been on two total dates. Each one’s better than the next. Who can even imagine what the NEXT date will be. Less better than the previous two last ones?! As I always say, you never know with the weird time properties of Paradise!

Caila is an extraordinary detective because she automatically figures out that the person saying this shit is Ashley.

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Don’t worry. She means not awesome, disloyal bitch, robot, fake as fuck, and back-stabbing whore in a GOOD way.

Caila: “She told you to be careful?” Jared: “Um, yeah.” Caila: “She is in love with you.” Jared: “Well, I don’t know if she is.” Caila: “She is… I need to talk to her.”

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Caila Pulls Ashley CrI. for a One-on-One

Caila tells Ashley that Jared told her that Ashley is questioning her feelings. Caila: “If every day this is brought up, when is he ever gonna trust me more than he trusts you?” Ashley: “Yeah, I don’t know if he’s ever gonna trust you more than he trusts me.” Caila: “It’s gonna stall my relationship with Jared but we are trying to make you comfortable.”

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I even painted my nails extra shittily today so you’d feel better about yourself.

Ashley’s confessional: “She refers to them as a ‘we’ and I’m like, ‘OK’. I want to scratch her eyes out.”

Caila: “If you were honestly here to meet someone else then you should just focus on that.” Ashley: “I know but there’s nobody right now.”

So might as well fuck with what y'all have going on.

Caila: “OK so you’re just gonna sabotage everyone else? Like you want to entertain yourself?”

Do you want me to lie or say yes?

To be continued

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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