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June 27, 2012
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a man's delight

 

Contrary to all previous experience showing that chopping, splitting, hauling, and stacking firewood requires hard work, foresight, and dedication, new evidence points to wood's tendency to stack itself. Said Gorden James Preitschard, hardy-looking outdoors man and survivor of many a cold-snap: “I was going to get into that heap of logs over there this weekend, sawing it and splitting it and stacking it, so as to be a tiny bit more ready for winter, but it looks like the logs have sloughed themselves into foot-long segments, un-merged themselves from their core in nice even slabs, waltzed over to the shed unassisted, and laid themselves down in criss-cross formations so as to season properly. What joy – now all I have to do is distribute them to any beautiful teenage girls living nearby who, one of these evenings, might want to get a wee backyard fire going with their friends.” During our interview, several tall trees dropped in Mr. Preitschard's forest as if by magic, shedding their leaves and smaller branches as they rolled into position parallel to broad footpaths leading into and out of the shaded groves. “Yup,” the middle-aged man said while sipping gingerly from a steaming cup of self-ground, self-picked, and self-transported coffee. “There go a couple more mighty maples. Look at them shake off their own bark. Fascinating! I used to have to work so hard to do all of that. Now, though, my list of chores runs merely to jack, and shit.”

 

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