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Stats & Data

November 10, 2014

President Obama says that to ensure Net Neutrality, the FCC should reclassify internet as a public utility.

Earlier today President Obama released a video stating his support of Net Neutrality, urging the Federal Communications Commission to classify the internet as a public utility. Chairman of the F.C.C. Tom Wheeler responded by saying that he agreed the internet should remain free, but indicated they needed more time to consider the issue. To better understand this important matter, Funny Or Die News presents the following FAQ.

Without Net Neutrality what will change on the net?
The internet will have a “fast lane” for big sites that pay off the internet service providers, a “slow lane” for smaller sites, and a “left-turn lane” for sites that want to go to Hardees.

If internet is treated like a utility, will I need a new internet boiler?
There is no such thing as an “internet boiler,” unless you are talking about a modem, in which case, no, you will not need a new modem.

How come in news stories the word “Internet” is always capitalized? Does the internet think it is better than me or something?
Just shut up.

Should I be worried about jackbooted Comcast thugs breaking down my door and ripping my modem out of the wall for noncompliance with their fascist monopoly?
Without question, yes.

Will this make it harder for me to order drugs on the deep web?
The Silk Road has already struck a deal with Time Warner and Comcast.

What will happen if Net Neutrality passes?
Internet providers must continue to treat all data equally, even gay data.

You see the b-ball game last night? Talk about Net Neutrality!
Go away, sports person.

Could you explain why Republican Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that Net Neutrality was Obamacare for the internet?
Sure! Possible explanations:
1) Cruz doesn’t actually understand what Net Neutrality means, or for that matter how the internet works (which, based on other dumb stuff he has said, is very possible).
2) Cruz is maliciously propagating lies to achieve political ends favorable to his sugar-daddy Comcast (Cruz was one of 15 members of the Senate Judiciary Committee to accept donations from Comcast).
3) Cruz is just an asshole who wants to watch the world burn.
4) All of the above.

But Ted Cruz said we don’t want the internet running as slow as the Government! Are you sure that isn’t what Net Neutrality will do?
Look, the people who want to get rid of Net Neutrality stand to benefit monetarily from it being struck down. These are the same people that are keeping America’s internet speeds ranked 31st in the world. These people are lying to you and trying to manipulate you with meaningless political jargon and empty buzzwords that they know will get emotional reactions. If someone repeats what Ted Cruz said to your face, we give you permission to punch them in the throat. And we’re a website on the Internet (capital “I”) so our permission provides you with legal immunity.

OK, I’m convinced. So, how can I help support Net Neutrality?
Shit, dunno. Tweet about it?

Watch President Obama’s video statement on Net Neutrality: