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October 17, 2014
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The title says it all.

Two-Day Bathroom Standoff in Ballantine Results in Massive Injuries for Everyone Involved

Written by: Amy Corson

In what can only be described as a senseless accident,fourteen severely dehydrated girls were removed from a Ballantine bathroom late last night, after each one attempted to wait until the bathroom was empty in order to poop in solitude.

What began as a silent test of wills between two young women quickly escalated into a high stakes situation as more and more people entered the restroom, all with the same intention.

“At first it was just me and this one other girl” explained sophomore Vanessa Batson. “And I figured I could just wait til she left to…ah…get some privacy. But then another girl came in while we were still both inthere. And then like, three more came in all at once. And we were all just sitting there, and I really needed to GO, but I couldn’t because like, what if they heard? Then they would KNOW that I’m a person who poops. That’s super gross.”

“It was crazy” admitted Batson. “Every stall was full. You could have heard a pin drop in there. I just kept thinking ‘any second, they’re all just going to finish up and leave, and then I’ll be alone’ but they never did”

While Batson is forthcoming about her purposes in the restroom, others are being purposefully vague in regards to their motivations for being on the scene.

“Whaaat?” Stuttered beet-red freshman Taylor Montgomery,upon being asked about her reasons for being in the bathroom that day, “Definitely not for a… gross reason. Who does that? In a bathroom? I was… I was counting all of the tiles. On the floor. And I just totally lost track of time.”

“I was responding to some super important emails” explained Junior Gabby Tessler

“I just like the air freshener they use in there.” Offered a third victim of this incident, who wished to remain anonymous.

Although all fourteen ladies will make a full recovery,treatment was initially delayed upon admittance to the hospital, as the hospital staff had a hard time understanding the gravity of the situation.

“Wait, so they were waiting to use the restroom? I don’t understand…Were there not enough stalls? Were the toilets not working?” Asked a very confused Doctor Ethan Hobbes. “Why couldn’t they just find another restroom?”

Batson understands the confusion, but explains that the situation is a societal mine field.

“Once you’re in a bathroom stand-off, you’re in it for the long haul. You can’t just LEAVE. And you definitely can’t … go while there’s another person in there. Because what if you end up standing next to each other at the sinks while you wash your hands, and you make eye contact in the mirror? Then what? Because now they know. And you know that they know. And everyone knows everything and your life is over. Does that make sense?”

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of” said a clearly frustrated President McRobbie at a press conference just hours after the incident. “Just poop. Just do it. No one cares. That’s why we have bathrooms. Jesus.”

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