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October 18, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Authorities say they have arrested a man who was plotting to attack the Federal Reserve in Manhattan. He would've been arrested sooner but the FBI thought they might even be able to convince him to do it while wearing a Bane mask.

The combined ad spending for the 2012 presidential election may reach $1 billion. "Really? That's all?" asked anyone living in Florida, Ohio or Virginia.

It turns out Mitt Romney didn't request the now-famous "binders full of women" to review while he was governor--he was given it. So just to keep count, that's binders full of women, tax breaks, and money from his father.

Meanwhile, Paul Ryan defended his running mate, saying, “All he simply meant was that he went out of his way to try to recruit qualified women." Adding, "Not everyone can just release photos of their workout routine and expect women to just throw their binders at them."

According to the Justice Department, violent crime rose last year for the first time since 1993. Also rising for the first time since 1993? Ross Perot.

Researchers say taking a daily vitamin may decrease one's risk of cancer by 8 percent. On the other hand, it increases one's risk of talking about what kind of vitamins he or she takes.

A 20-year-old Afghan woman was beheaded for not engaging in prostitution. Because yes, there is nothing in Afghanistan that doesn't end in beheading. When "Castaway" was translated for the country, it ended in Tom Hanks being beheaded. Everything in Afghanistan ends in a beheading.

The trial of George Zimmerman will begin in June 2013. "Hopefully that should give everyone some time to take a nice breather," said the judge, looking at Travyon Martin's parents.

Nike announced it's ending its contract with Lance Armstrong. "Good call, that guy was embarrassing," said Tiger Woods and Michael Vick.

Megan Fox revealed on Wednesday that she gave birth to a son on Sept. 27. Fox explained she wanted to take one week to recover and another week to prepare for all the jokes about her vagina.

Flavor Flav has been arrested for assault. Police suggested he pick on someone his own size, like a barn owl with a fondness for wristwatches.

Scientists have found an Earth-sized planet just outside our solar system whose surface may be molten lava. Said the scientists' dad while scratching his grundle, "That's a pretty 'cool' discovery, guys."

Only 21,000 copies of Arnold Schwarzenegger's autobiography were sold in its debut. Shocking publishers who believed in the combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the English language.