The holidays are here and you all know what that means: It’s time for the office holiday party! I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful but, as head of human resources, it’s my job to remind you of a few important policies put in place to ensure we all have a fun, safe, and respectful time: Remember to drink responsibly, please be conscious of how much of a mess we leave for our terrific cleaning staff, and, most importantly, please do not wear mistletoe belt buckles.
Every year, I remind people of that last rule and, every year, people still wear them. I understand that this might be confusing to some of you since we do work at a company that’s one and only focus is to design and produce mistletoe belt buckles, but they are a strict violation of our sexual-harassment policies and we cannot have them at the party. I mean, you all know what those belt buckles imply. After all, you spend every day of the year making them!
At previous parties, I did have some people ask if they could wear the belt buckles for purely professional reasons. For example, if they had made a particularly good belt buckle that day and wanted to ask a coworker how it looked. After some long thought, I’ve decided that that’s OK. Honestly, though, this is a party! You should leave your work at your desk!
If you do wear your buckles for professional reasons, though, you are definitely prohibited from saying to any coworkers, even in jest, “Hey, I think you should give me a kiss right on the candy cane.” I can’t stress this enough. I know some of you pointed out last year that the imagery on the packaging that we produce for the belt buckles specifically features a cartoon man with a word balloon saying that exact sentence. And I also know that the details behind the cartoon man and the cartoon woman he’s talking to seem to imply that they’re at an office holiday party, but at our office holiday party, this is strictly forbidden.
Look, I understand that all of you here at Bradshaw Mistletoe Belt Buckles Inc. are incredibly proud of the product that we make. Guys, I’m right there with you. I love our belt buckles. But we have to acknowledge that our product is designed for the sole purpose of asking people to give you oral sex and that’s just not OK at a work-sanctioned event. So, please, just leave the belt buckles at home. Or on the conveyor belt in the factory. Or in the boxes at the warehouse. We don’t want them at the party.
With that out of the way, let’s have fun! And happy holidays, everyone!
Tonya Spiegel, Human Resources
PS: Don’t forget that Gary’s going away party is also next week. Also don’t forget that that isn’t an official work event so I want you all to bring your good mistletoe belt buckles and your best dick-sucking lips!