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Published January 14, 2012 More Info »
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Published January 14, 2012

 

 

January

 

The year in Scotland started as the previous year had finished with weather, which could be accurately described as “wintery”.  To reiterate some keywords: Scotland, start of year and weather, ergo it was cold and a form of liquid fell from the sky, who would have thought it?

 

This turned out to be a nightmare for me as it meant that the most boring month of the year was made so much worse as instead of people complaining that “January is a long month”, “still ages to pay day” etc, comments like “never seen weather like this”, “I wish the snow would just buck off” etc were added to the repertoire.

 

February

 

If you think we had it bad, February turned out to be an awful month for those cuddly dictator and general oppressionist types as the Arab Spring started.

 

No complaining about a little inconvenience with the weather, the citizens of the countries involved here had minor grumbles regarding you know, petty things like their human rights, unelected leaders running roughshod over the country and no justice system – that type of thing – all whilst their leaders lived in supreme wealth and extravagance.  Whingeing bastards.

 

March

 

Speaking of extravagance and wealth, in March, everyone’s favourite moronic skanky slut, Jordan (and note I said Jordan and not Katie Price, as Katie Price suggests some sort of humanity) bagged another boyfriend in the shape of, no wait, I didn’t bother to confirm his name.

 

Needless to say it did not last the year, as the poor sod couldn’t keep up with her in the bedroom.  Or was it couldn’t get it up in the bedroom?  One of the two.

 April

 

One couple at the end of the month of April you may have noticed got themselves married.  William and Kate made an entire nation swoon themselves to near-death with talk of how wonderful it all was, and how beautiful they were, the ceremony, the dress – the whole bucking thing.

 

Well, it was hardly going to be shite was it?  They weren’t going to turn up in their velour tracksuits and basically phone in the whole thing, with the reception at the local miners club.  People (people who can’t afford their anti-psychotic prescription drugs seemingly) wouldn’t like that.  It would besmirch the standing of the royal family in the world.  We couldn’t have someone out-pompous us – heaven forbid.

May

 

I say us, but I mean they, as my hero Mr Salmond won an outright majority the following month in May – that’s all I want to say about that.

 

More importantly, internationally anyway, one Osama bin Laden was killed to a deafening echo of U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A! throughout The States, as street parties quickly formed.

 

President Obama virtually controlled the mission from a base in the homeland as the Navy Seal Team stormed the compound.  It was a bit like the latest Xbox technology one step up from Kinect, where you don’t even have to move, just give clear mental instructions “Kill, Kill, Kill”.

 

Thankfully it happened under his watch and not “Dubya”, as he wouldn’t be able to get the disk in the Xbox.

  June

 

A great UK institution was laid to rest in June with its last breath.  Of that, I’m sure must have happened, however also the rag known as the News of the World also bucked off.  I won’t waste any more breath on this, however just to say that I’m glad I’m not super-famous and they didn’t hack into my voicemail and get all those messages that I have been left with heavy breathing.  Be even more embarrassing for my high school PE teacher.

 

 July

 

Amy Winehouse passed away in July after a long battle with, well, herself I suppose.  This prompted many people to come out of the woodwork, just at the right moment to offer belated help with quotes along the lines of “I wish I could have done more” and “I wished she would have spoken to me earlier”.  Very helpful, self-involved celebrities.  Where were you on 12th September 2001 to let us know that you wished you could have done more to ensure that the Muslim nut-jobs that hijacked the airplanes had someone to talk to, and how you wished you could have done more?

 

    August

 

In August you may have noticed rampant thugs running through the streets of London, setting fire to things and throwing things and jumping on things.  If you were like me you probably wondered why you hadn’t been informed that Rangers were playing in London that week.

 

Alas, it wasn’t Rangers fans; it was just opportunistic scumbag thieves, masquerading as defenders of the disgruntled youth of today.  That was until the mug-shots and background stories were publicised later in the year and it was all like “39 year old Tottenham male, Thug Thugstone” and “Scumbag Smith, a 41 year old male from Hackney”, the stories of it being a disgruntled youth disappeared quicker than me when it’s time to get the drinks in.

    September

 

The hunt for Colonel Gaddafi intensified towards the end of the summer and his compound was breached, after he had fled to parts unknown.

 

More humiliating for him was that all of his personal possessions were left behind and paraded to the whole world, from his art collection, golden revolver to his, ahem, how do I put this subtly.... ah, his wank bank, featuring Condoleeza Rice.

 

It’s a little mortifying, it would be like as a 15 year old kid your mum finding some magazines under your bed, and it’s all issues of “Erotic Elderlies”, or “Alzheimer Amazons”.

 

October

 

The iPhone 4S was released in October to a huge fanfare. If you weren’t sure who of your friends had one, you needn’t worry as you would be told quickly after purchase.  For Jeopardy fans, here’s one for you – Answer – ten times per day, Question?  How many times would Siri misconstrue the Scottish accent per user?

 

It would be a little embarrassing if you were asking it to “call my Mum’s” and it then repeated back “as requested here are those photos you took earlier of your plums”.

November

 

The big nasty anti-sectarian laws were passed by the wonderful Mr Salmond’s Scottish Government.  Meaning that moronic Old Firm football fans would have to limit their bile to the football ground (oh, they can’t?), oh well at least outside the ground (still can’t huh).  When they’re online they can pure get stuck in cant they (nope, ok......).  At least they will still be able to assault their wife or girlfriend afterwards, there was nothing said about that was there.

December

 

Kim Jong Il died in December after losing valiantly in a Hell in a Cell match with a Tyrannosaurus Rex, Megatron, one of his nuclear bombs and Jason Statham.  He has now gone up to his version of heaven that he had created for himself, where he is kept company by Saddam, Osama, and the Colonel.  Just wait till the Iron Lady joins them and the Famous Five is complete when the dog makes her entrance.

 

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