Masturbators of the realm, I, King Masturbator, ruler of all who are masturbating call you to attention! I have a most pressing decree that must be heard by all, from penis pumping peasants and cock-thumping thieves to clit-fiddling duchesses and dong-dunking dukes! The issue has “cum” before the throne that several Computer Hackers (a group often among the most prolific masturbators in my kingdom) have leaked a trove of personal information from the adultery website Ashley Madison. You, my loyal and wrist-weary subjects, are perhaps wondering if it is ethical to look at these lists of potential cheaters and home-wreckers. To that I proclaim this: Look if you must but, if you previously masturbated to The Fappening leak, then you MUST also masturbate to this leak!

Yes, many of you may recall my previous decree that none may masturbate to the celebrity nude leak known as The Fappening. But I know for a fact many of you disobeyed that law. Do not think that I sat idly by rubbing my royal peen and let that happen. No, I sat idly by rubbing my royal peen and was WAITING FOR YOU TO LEAST EXPECT YOUR PUNISHMENT!

Mine may be an off-white and bleach-smelling kingdom, but it is one made up of LAWS! And now one of those laws is that, if you at any time masturbated to a photo from the Apple Cloud Celebrity Leak, you must now stare at this list of Ashley Madison user accounts and attempt to get hard and achieve orgasm.

It will not be easy, I know this, for it is possible names you know will be on this list, indeed, your OWN name may be on this list. It is also just a bunch of text with only a few spicy male-fetich details sprinkled in. But you were the one who decided it is right to masturbate to a hacker leak, now make good and masturbate to this one too! You made this bed, now you must pathetically jerk off in it with your laptop on your tummy.

“But this is just a list of email and home addresses punctuated by weird code numbers that correspond to different user preferences, how can I jerk off to this?” you may cry. ENOUGH, I say. I have masturbated to far stranger and simpler things I assure you. I did not become King Masturbator by jerking off to just porn of beautiful ladies and hunky dudes a couple times a day. No, I became King Masturbator by being able to jerk of dozens of times an hour! I jerk off to paintings, to the writing on the back of my contact lens solution, to computer desktop icons, to the patterns made in the grains of the wood in my floors, hell, I have even jerked off to myself jerking off (I came twice at the same time). I know it is possible and I am ordering you to do it!

And what of the rest of you? Those who did not masturbate to The Fappening and are still wondering if you should look at this list of cheaters and “people just making an account for research purposes.” To you I say this: look only if you think it may affect you directly. Do not search this list for vengeance, do not search it for prospective employees or co-workers and certainly do not search it for your friend’s dads. I promise, you just don’t want to know.

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