Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 16, 2016

Nothing helps an image problem like a fun new mascot.

ISIS’s image at the moment is a little grim. Granted, subjugating the world through a horrific campaign of violence and intimidation is serious business, but adding a touch of levity would go a long way towards improving the brand’s cool factor. After all, the unhinged like to have fun too.

As anybody who’s ever seen Benny the Bull strut his stuff in front of a packed Chicago Bulls crowd knows, mascots get people pumped. While they’re absolutely crushing it on social media, ISIS has really dropped the ball on this aspect of recruitment. It’s time for the Islamic State to get themselves a mascot so they can kick things up a notch, caliphate-wise.

Here are some quality mascots for the organization to consider.

Petey Piranha


Like ISIS, piranhas have a reputation as vicious predators, but they’re also super-cute fishies. On paper, his signature move of slam dunking a severed head may sound a tad morbid, but keep in mind Petey will make it more palatable by hanging on the rim and blowing kisses. It’s a solid act.

Mr. Hate


An anthropomorphicball of rage that tips his shades at the end of a sick dance routine? That’s right: Mr. Hate is one rude Shiite-hatin’ dude with serious ‘tude! The ladies are going to love him until he forces them into sexual slavery.

Joe Camel


Early indoctrination is a particularly important aspect of terrorist recruitment, and Joe Camel has a proven history of getting kids to make bad decisions. Plus the dude looks like a total pimp in his leather Fonzie jacket. Swoon!

An Offensive Indian Chief


A lot of teams are still somehow still getting away with retrograde Native American mascots without catching too much flak, so a terrorist group should have no problem pulling this off. This mascot will be pretty divisive, but so is ISIS.

The Killie Phanatic


Like the Philly Phanatic, but drenched in the blood of infidels. The crowd will go bonkers once he pulls out his T-shirt gun, which fires 10 tees per second and is completely untraceable.

Illustrations By Carl Meff