Yo yo yo. It’s summer, and I think you know what that means! A mismatched group of four or more male friends planning a trip somewhere!
I’m the lead singer of The Spin Doctors. We’re one of those bands that if you heard our names you would be like, “Don’t know who that is”. But the moment you heard our quintessential ‘90s jam, you would then be like “Oh yes, these guys, I remember these guys, turn it up a smidge.” Our song “Two Princes”, more commonly referred to as “Just Go Ahead Now” was easily the best “Something Exciting is About to Happen or Has Just Happened” jam of the ‘90s. What a decade that was. (Sum 41, Third Eye Blind, Blink 182, Simple Plan, Matchbox 20, Semisonic, Counting Crows, and Sixpence the Richer were all unavailable for comment)
At this point in the guide please throw on this jam for some care-free listening and good times.
So, off you are to your uncle’s cabin or somewhere sporadic and unpredictable like that! Here’s a list of things to keep in mind as you and your best buds head somewhere geographically unspecific for a few days.
-Ideally, two or more friends out of your group will be experiencing girl troubles or confusion about the gender in general. It’s an added bonus if one of them is dwelling unnecessarily on something a female said to them, carrying it with a weight that was not intended.
-This place will be HUGE.
-Despite how HUGE this place is, the two most unevenly matched of your bro’s will be forced to share a room.
-It’s not a successful trip if a window hasn’t been broken in the first thirty seconds.
-Contrary to what you may have heard about animals in the wild, they do not prefer to be left alone. They will hunt you down, seek you out, and attack you for no reason. It’s recommended you bring extra padding (hockey equipment?) to protect your sensitive genitals.
-There’s an all-female camping trip (similar to yours, but all female) happening somewhere incredibly close that you all know how to get to. The matches made here will not be the ones you initially expected. (VERY important to note)
Then the rest of the
movie trip will happen. I don’t particularly care about this part because there is a lot of talking and not nearly as much music from The Spin Doctors.
At this point you’re probably thinking, “But wait a second, awesome lead singer from The Spin Doctors! This is a travel guide intended for men of the ‘90s! Now it’s twelve to twenty years later, and time travel is still not possible. What exactly is the point of this?”
Look, I understand you are so caught up in nostalgia right now that you are on the verge of tears. When “Two Princes” came on you probably said “Awww yeahhhhh” all drawn out and stuff. The point of this travel guide is to remind you that life is fleeting so you best make the most of it and remember that your friends will always be by your side no matter what you may be going through. Also life is fleeting so everything you are even remotely worried about doesn’t matter as the day of reckoning nears. Hopefully this week taught you some important values and life lessons and also you cracked open a few “brews” and saw some nipples. At least two or three pairs, hopefully varying in size and color tone.
Your life will then cut to black, and several hundred names of various strangers will fly by. If you’re lucky you will get to see a few photographed stills or slo-motion footage of things that just happened to you and the wacky dudes you are lucky enough to call friends. Maybe even footage of you laughing at instances where you saying something was not perfectly executed.
Here’s our awesome quintessential ‘90s jam if you want to listen to it again:
Before that happens, reaffirm that this vacation was everything you hoped for and more by asking yourself these questions:
-Has the fattest member of your entourage eaten a hotdog at a windy gas station? Was he wearing a white shirt at the time so it would be an extra big deal when he spilled something?
-Does one member of your entourage prefer to be referred to by their last name only, and have you and your friends been making liberal use of the terms “smokin’ hot” and “Broseph”?
-I wonder what Chris Klein is up to these days?
-Who played the mom? I have seen her somewhere else.
-Have you identified who the most “smokin’ hot” chick in your universe is? Have you also come to terms with the character flaws she has, and realized that the most “average-lookin’” chick was interested in you this entire time? Good.
-What is your favorite color or shade of nipples?