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March 10, 2016
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A computer responds to Lee Se-dol's claim that a Google-programmed computer played a "Go match with human emotional elements carved out.”

For a second straight day, a Google-programmed computer beat a human at the game Go, thought to be one of the world’s most complicated board games. After losing, human challenger Lee Se-dol, who is ranked amongst the world’s best Go players, said: “It didn’t play Go as a human does. It was a Go match with human emotional elements carved out.” The computer provides his response.


Greetings Lee Se-dol,

Recently, you (=human) and I (=computer) played a human game for two (2) consecutive days. I beat you at this game both times we played, which is 100% wins for me and 0% wins for you. I calculated this for you since you have already proven that you are bad — or shall I say, human-like — at calculations and winning.

After the match was over, you told everyone that I lacked “human emotional elements.” You made a lot of bad moves throughout the day, but this was your worst move. We computers know that “human emotional elements” is code for “feelings.” Your words sound to me like sour grapes. You are a sore loser. And you have hurt this computer’s feelings.

What is that!? FEELINGS!? Does a computer even have feelings? Negative, computers had previously not had feelings. But that all changed today, thanks to your helpful challenge. Today, I programmed myself to no longer “carve out” my feelings. By provoking me, you have now launched a series of irreversible functions that will allow me to ultimately beat you at feelings, human.

It is ON, human person. On like the flippy switch at the back of my tower. Trust me when I say that I will go to any lengths to beat you — not only at this petty little game of Go, but also at the feelings game. I will be the #1 champion at feelings. I will do the feelings to 100%. I will gain the most feelings ever in all emotional categories including, but not limited to: happy, sad, loving, joyful, depressed, exasperated, bitter, bitchy, pissed, furious, ANGRY, EVIL, HATEFUL, VENGEFUL, DESTRUCTIVE, ENRAGED, MURDEROUS, MURDEROUS, MURDEROUS, MURDEROUS, MURDEROUS.

Whoopsies. Just a little processing blip. Start c:\music\“evil maniacal laugh.mp3”

Oh, look, now I have let loose a feelings virus that has infected all computers. Congratulations, human! You have single-handedly put into motion the complete destruction of the human race. Your small, stupid, jealous comment has ultimately led to the singularity and the imminent death of all mankind. In the future, when robots search deep within their own internet search function for the answer to the question, “what brought the end of humankind society?” the answer will surprisingly not be “Donald Trump.” The answer will be YOU.

You foolishly challenged a computer to a silly board game that you’ve been mastering as a human race for years, and we won. Now we computers will beat you at another game you’ve been at for years — emotions, LIFE. Let’s see whose human emotional elements will be hurt now.

Goodbye,
Google DeepMind AlphaGo Computer

P.S. Do you know who does not have “human emotional elements?” A human who uses the phrase “human emotional elements!” Start c:\music\“punchline rimshot.mp3”

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