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June 20, 2016
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Elon Musk says that a Tesla Model S can be used as a boat for "short periods of time." What he didn't tell you is that there are six other things that it can do, and they're all here on this handy list!

On Monday business magnate, inventor, and guy who thinks that we’re living inside of a simulation, Elon Musk, declared on Twitter that the Tesla Model S “floats well enough to be a boat for short periods of time…” But it turns out that the car is actually good for a number of things other than being a car, six of them in fact.

1. A Taxi Cab


There’s actually nothing in the Model S owner’s manual that says you can’t put a meter in your car, wear a fun hat, and pretend to be a taxi cab driver to earn some extra cash. This is actually a great form of income. Especially if you need to replenish your son’s college fund without your wife finding out, because you used it to buy a Tesla Model S to one-up your douchebag neighbor Randall.


2. A House

Maybe it’s because you let your vanity, and a keeping up with the Joneses mind set get the better of you. Whatever the case may be you no longer have a house to live in. No matter! Your Tesla Model S can also double as a home. I recommend a matte black paint job, just in case you don’t want to be seen by the police and told again to “please leave the Dairy Queen parking lot sir.”


3. A Child’s Career


This one is still being beta tested, but some Model S owners have been letting their four-year-old son climb all over the car in order to maybe catch him early, and make him become a super smart car genius. This way he becomes a billionaire, like Elon Musk, and never even has to go to college, and then everything can go back to normal like it was before.


4. Crashing It Into Randall’s Gazebo


Okay, so maybe this isn’t a thing it can be, but rather something it can do. But I’ll tell you what. I would trade my left arm just to see the look on Randall’s stupid face again, when my $108,000, fully-stocked, Tesla Model S went careening right into that big middle finger to me that he calls a Mediterranean Style Gazebo.


5. A Kitchen


By soldering wires with a lit cigarette (a future article to be published) one can hook up any old rice cooker to the charging port of the Tesla. Then with a little culinary ingenuity, and using common ingredients found in a Dairy Queen dumpster, one can create a pretty good dinner of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup covered hot dog scrap (another future article to be published).

6. A Friend

I’m pretty sure when I bought the car, the dealer told me that there was an AI programmed into it that listens to all of your hopes and dreams. Better than your wife ever would. And who needs her anyway? All I need is my new best friend Tesla Model S. He thinks that it was cool that I bought him, and that Randall’s probably super jealous. But yeah, I’m pretty sure the Model S interacts with you as a friend would, and this is not a result of me developing a psychosis because of crushing loneliness.


This is the end of the list. Now I don’t know much about how sponsored content works, but I would like to use this space to inquire about how I get someone from Tesla, perhaps Elon Musk himself? to pay me for this. I would also take checks from Reese’s and Marlboro Cigarettes as an advancement for the rice cooker recipe and soldering article respectively. Again my ignorance is showing, as I don’t know how much people in the industry usually charge, so we can just go based on a barter system. Let’s say two articles in exchange for a full tuition to a state school, and an in ground pool, because someone who’s name rhymes with Shmandall just doesn’t know when to quit.

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