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July 12, 2017
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Sometimes, you need to get off the grid — fast — and forever.

Sometimes, you need to get off the grid — fast — and forever. Maybe you made a really bad business decision or you’re attempting the ultimate ghost. Whatever the reason, good news: you can fake your own death! Typically, to sell pseudocide, you need the time to meticulously plan and execute. But if you don’t have the luxury of “getting lost in the Philippines” or “dying in a yachting accident,” don’t fret! You can still make your untimely death happen in less than 24 hours.

Quit your job

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You can’t have one of those if you’re trying to be dead. Also, abruptly quitting your job seems like something an unstable person would do because without a job, you have no purpose, so you might as well be dead.


Find a safe location to be dead

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You need to find a place to lay low and start a new life. The suburbs are great for exactly this reason. Everybody who is anybody is living in a huge, thriving metropolis full of culture and commerce. If you want to relegate yourself to nobody-dom, head 15 minutes outside of your current residence, in literally any direction.


Delete all your social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, reddit, Dribbble, Seamless, etc.)

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Once you’re outside the city limits, you also need to exit your “social network,” you’re basically no one. Everyone will automatically assume you’ve died because there’s not a single person alive in the entire world that doesn’t have a frequently updated web presence. And without your Swarm check-ins and off-the-cuff insights inundating your feeds, no one will know how to find you. It’s like you never existed.


Set up a GoFundMe for your search AND funeral by your mom

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The real nail in the coffin is the memorialization of you by a member of your own family. Especially one that doesn’t really know how her iPad works, so she’d never be able to prove that it wasn’t her who set it up. And once your mom is convinced you’re gone, you’re good as gold. And gone.


Buy an elaborate ghost costume and haunt one of your friends

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Use your lush GoFundMe to get a full Hollywood ghost getup: tattered clothes, white makeup, the whole paranormal nine yards. Then carefully pick one of your friends with the densest social network and spook their pants off. They’ll be sure to confirm your visit from beyond as legitimate, because no friend of theirs would be lame enough to fake their own death and then stage a fake haunting. That’d be sad enough for you to real your own death.

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