The land’s biggest and most supreme court is hearing a case today that could potentially allow churches and other religious organizations to get extra intimate with their employees’ lady parts! Zubik v. Burwell asks one question: “Do religious objectors get to disobey the laws they dislike, even when that places burdens on others?”

Translated, that means…

If you work for a church or a temple or mosque or whatever hot new cult celebs are doing drugs at, can that institution refuse to cover the cost of birth control? And what if you’re on birth control for reasons other than having sex which I KNOW your conservative dad thinks is NOT true but it actually is!!!

The reality is that SCOTUS could rule the church’s right to say “nah” or rule an even split 4-4, which would defer back to lower federal court rulings, some of which were like, “Churches can say ‘nah.’ ”

In the horrifying scenario that your religious employer can be in charge of your access to birth control, I offer you…

How to ask your priest if you can go on birth control:

  • Ease into the sex thing by telling them you’re in love. But then flip it on its head and say you’re POSSESSED by love. That’ll momentarily confuse and scare them.
  • Take advantage of that, corner them into a confession booth so that nothing you say from here on out can be repeated (that includes on employer insurance forms!)
  • Explain that you’re not sorry for the sex that you’re having but you do feel bad about not helping an old lady across the street the other week. Also you should call your sister more. Maybe she’s having satisfying sex, too. That’d be great!
  • Again, not a confession, just a fact (feel free to restate that in the booth!): tell them you’re on birth control or planning to go onto birth control. If they begin to retaliate, quote Dr. Willie Parker’s fitting remark that “religious preoccupation with abortion is largely about controlling the sexuality of women.” That extends to birth control, too!
  • If the priest still hasn’t become a loving and supportive feminist at this point, then make a huge scene exiting the booth and steal the offertory basket on your way out of the building. Use that money to pay out of pocket for the birth control your work will not cover. Have no regrets.
  • Go to confession next week and apologize for stealing. You knew that was wrong. Do not, however, apologize for being a sexual and health conscious being. The [insert higher power of choice here] made you just the way you are: horny.
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