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June 20, 2016
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Timeline 2: A Whole New Timeline

Alternate Timeline (Less Content)

How to use: Each timeline item will be an (list item). The bold portion will be ANYTHING inside of the . Anything with the class ‘reveal’ will fade in to view.


  • 10:02 AM Sen. Chris Murphy starts shopping for “comfy shoes.”
  • 10:03 AM Sen. Chris Murphy asks woman working at Footlocker if they have carry of those “old school” New Balances.
  • 10:06 AM Woman at Footlocker asks if he needs a shoe for running or walking. Sen. Murphy says “justice.”
  • 10:15 AM Sen. Murphy almost buys those lame-ass Steph Curry dad shoes, but Robbie, the cool intern, intervenes.
  • 10:40 AM Sen. Murphy arrives at the Senate. Tells reporters he’s feeling “savage af," does an elaborate stretching routine on the Senate floor, and begins doing burpees to "get pumped."
  • 11:21 AM Filibuster begins with Sen. Murphy telling everyone to “buckle up for Mr. Murphy’s wild ride.”
  • 11:23 AM Sen. Murphy launches into an emotional reading the names of the Orlando victims, but throws in a couple joke names (Seymour Butts, Dixie Normous, etc.) to keep it light.
  • 12:02 PM Sen. Murphy briefly stops a presentation on the killing capacity of assault-style weapons when he realizes that the picture on his display board is not of a gun, but a very long, thin fish.
  • 12:42 AM Sen. Murphy asks if they should break for lunch, then says “Psych!” real loud.
  • 2:09 PM Sen. Richard Blumenthal asks that no one puts his remarks on Facebook “’cause he doesn’t want his weird cousins to comment.”
  • 2:23 PM Sen. Cory Booker says “What we’re seeking is not radical. THIS is radical.” Then Sen. Booker whips out his guitar and plays a guitar solo. It's okay.
  • 3:14 PM Sen. Orrin Hatch starts teaching some of the younger Republican Senators how to make a real good paper airplane to pass the time.
  • 3:31 PM Sen. Kirsten Gillebrand shows a slideshow of pro-gun memes she found online. They’re kinda funny at first because they’re so dumb, but after a while everyone’s heart starts to hurt.
  • 4:18 PM Joe Biden shows up, pulls a bag of weed out his hoodie, and asks if “we doing this?”
  • 4:20 PM Blaze.
  • 4:22 PM Sen. Elizabeth Warren makes everyone shut up and watch her Hillary impression.
  • 4:28 PM Sen. Mitch McConnell asks if he can “reach across the aisle and hit that bowl” and everyone totally goes nuts. Wait a second. Is progress being made? Are politicians from both sides of the spectrum working together? COULD THE POLITICAL PROCESS ACTUALLY WORK FOR ONCE?
  • 4:33 PM Sen. Warren freaks out and makes everyone delete the video of her Hillary impression from their phones.
  • 5:04 PM Sen. Ben Cardin and Sen. Dick Durbin reenact Jimmy Fallon's Evolution of Dance routine and they honestly giving Jimmy a run for his money.
  • 5:14 PM Senators launch into a two-hour debate about whether or not “Panda” is already “Song Of The Summer. “
  • 8:57 PM Senators play “Never Have I Ever,” quickly find out that Sen. Gary Peters has totally "gone all the way."
  • 11:16 PM Sen. Murphy goes through every letter of the alphabet and says his favorite baby name for each.
  • 11:34 PM Sen. Murphy reads everything posted on his old MySpace wall.
  • 11:50 PM Tired of talking, Sen. Murphy chugs a two liter of Pepsi Wild Cherry soda tries to see how long he can burp.
  • 12:31 AM Sen. Ben Cardin watches all of his snapchat stories with earbuds in, then acts them out for everyone.
  • 12:40 AM Sen. Clair McCaskill takes a nap under a desk and finds the dirty limericks that JFK carved into the bottom of it.
  • 1:29 AM Sen. Murphy makes everyone guess his birthday, but Sen. Al Franken gets it, like, right away.
  • 1:58 AM Sen. Murphy ends his filibuster with emotional words about Sandy Hook after receiving word that Sen. Mitch McConnel has promised to hold a vote on proposed gun legislation. IT WORKED! THE FILIBUSTER WORKED!
  • 4:18 AM Joe Biden shows up to an empty Senate with an eighth and a bowl he just made out of a mango he found in the White House kitchen.
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