Subject: Important Email From Dad
Good news: I found us the perfect Christmas tree!
I know this won’t make everything at home perfect, and I’m sorry you guys had to hear mom and I yelling yesterday about whether or not I should get a vasectomy. I don’t wanna relive that too vividly right now, but I would like to discuss it at length and take it to a vote at our next family meeting.
For now though, I gotta tell you about this Christmas tree I found - it’s perfect!
Despite all of your requests to the contrary, I went out drinking last night after the altercation with mom, and I had a blast. It was just what I needed, and my only regret is that you boys couldn’t join me. I still don’t understand why your mother won’t let you keep the fake IDs I got you. She thinks I’M a bad parent? HA!
Anyways, the Christmas tree!
I know for a fact that I left Buffalo Wild Wings alone when they kicked me out around 2, but things get pretty hazy after that.
The next moment I really remember is getting out of the car and noticing this perfect Christmas tree on top of it.
Now as far as I know, I didn’t go all the way out to the Christmas tree store at 3 a.m. and say, “Hey, Mr. Christmas Tree Salesman, that Christmas tree over there is perfect. Please fasten it neatly and safely to the roof of my Toyota Camry.” If I had done that, I would have a receipt in my pocket right now because, as you all know, Mr. Christmas Tree Salesman always gives receipts.
Instead, what I think might have happened - based on some wounds I have, and the news - is I think I might have plowed through the living room of a hard-working Asian-American family’s house, thus lodging their perfect Christmas tree firmly and life-threateningly into the hood, windshield, and roof of my Toyota Camry.
So, before our next family meeting, I want you guys to do two things: 1) decide whether or not you think I should get a vasectomy, and 2) brainstorm some different ways that you guys might be able to extract that Christmas tree from that crime scene without implicating your old man!
I’m telling you: this tree is too perfect for us not to have – just like my sperm!
That next family meeting will take place two hours from now, so in order for me to be there, one of you boys will need to come pick me up from the library.
If anyone who is not coming to pick me up happens to be out gift-shopping for me instead, I am in the market for a new car.
I also wouldn’t mind a gift certificate to the sperm-freezing facility.
As per tradition, don’t tell mom about any of this, and Merry Christmas.