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August 02, 2016
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American author, doctor, and all-around unintelligible guy Deepak Chopra, stunned everyone when he reportedly spoke clearly and concisely for the first time in recorded history.

Breaking! Deepak Chopra Speaks Clearly for First Time

Right in the middle of a spiritual medicine convention - whatever the hell that means - Indian-American author, doctor, and all-around unintelligible guy Deepak Chopra, stunned everyone when he reportedly spoke clearly and concisely for the first time in recorded history.

“I just couldn’t believe it” said Gina Thompson, a woman who just likes going to these types of things. “I was waiting for him to veer off into his strange theories of karmic love and quantum entanglement, or to say something about how the known universe is oozing its cosmic energy into our abstract souls in a way that we can retroactively perceive only through the deepest stages of mindful meditation… but he just talked about a diet. A clear, completely sensible, five meals per day diet. I was shocked.”

Sources told the Groupie that most of the crowd was visibly baffled for the entire duration of the lecture, and that one guy in the third row allegedly started crying inconsolably at one point.

Long time Chopra supporter Melissa Barns expressed her concerns for the famed author. “I just hope he’s okay, all this weird talk about facts and figures and watching your fat per protein intake, it’s just so unlike him.”

On the other hand, Mark Jonson, a disappointed attendee said that “I didn’t even know this guy was a doctor. I thought he did slam poetry.”

Mr. Chopra was reached for comment, but, once again, we could not understand what the hell he was saying. It was something about some magic potion he forgot to drink before the lecture.

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