By now, you’ve no doubt seen my handiwork on the “bear-proof” glass at my enclosure at the Minnesota Zoo. That’s right — I picked up a big rock and I smashed up the barrier with it. And while my keepers would like you to believe that I “was just playing” and “didn’t know what [I] was doing” and that “the public was never in any danger,” I’d like to tell you otherwise.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I knew exactly what I was doing. And what’s more, us bears can do this kind of thing anytime we want.

Any. Time. We. Want.

Just remember that during your next little family trip to the zoo — every bear you assume is safely behind glass is actually ready to pick up a heavy object and smash open its habitat whenever the mood strikes it. Before you even know what’s happened, there will be nothing between you and an 800-lb. grizzly.

Oh, sure, I only broke one layer of the five-pane glass — this time. I easily could’ve smashed through the whole thing and been snacking on you and your chubby little Midwestern children in the blink of an eye. But really, I just wanted to show you what I’m capable of.

Show you who’s really in control.

“Then why don’t we hear about grizzly bears smashing out of their habitats all the time?” you’re probably asking. It’s so simple, really; do I even have to explain it to you? Zoo bears like me are big sex perverts. We get off on human fear. How do you think we end up in the zoo in the first place?

I hate to shatter your naive little notions about wildlife just like I did that glass enclosure, but it’s no accident. We want to be in the zoo — all us bears do, to gratify our sexual fetishes.

Hell, you don’t even want to know what the polar bears here are into. Gross.

Just knowing you’re terrified of us, that we could physically dominate you whenever we want to — that’s exactly how we get our furry rocks off. So, every once in a while we pick up a big rock and destroy part of our enclosure, just to see you jump and scream and run. Oooh, yeah — then we all scurry back to our artificial fiberglass caves and jack off until we can’t even move.

It’s the realness of your terror, the whites of your eyes as you bear (pun intended!) witness to our awesome and terrible power — that’s what gets us bears so horny. And you can’t help but give us exactly what we want.

I’m getting hard just thinking about it. See you at the zoo…

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