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May 12, 2011
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Presidential hair tips and first lady vibrators.


Lindsay Lohan yesterday was sentenced to 120 days in jail for swiping a necklace, but the judge admitted the actress will probably dodge a cell.

Lindsay said she should not have been in this situation. What situation? Mike from Jersey Shore’s abs? You swiped a necklace and plead no contest. You shouldn’t have been in a jewelry story drunk with no underwear on.  

This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

I didn’t have “lap band surgery” I had an “aesthetic stomach enhancement.” Please, would you put 34 DD breasts on Calista Flockhart and call it “corrective?” Jay Leno has a jaw that is used in SAT geometry questions but you don’t see him banging Calista Flockhart for aesthetic purposes.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he washes his locks with Head and Shoulders, and then lets it air dry.

    This is what we need from a would-be presidential candidate…hair tips.

“Mr. President we have a situation in the middle east.”
    “I only use highlights in the winter and cut every week to avoid split ends.”

And who knew that a billionaire would use head and shoulders? Does this guy have fish sticks for dinner too? Does he sometimes splurge and go to Chipotle?

 

Newt Gingrich, who announced he was running for president Wednesday, says if elected he will offer a new “Contract with America.”

Newt, if you get elected, we all want a prenup. You had a contract with two ex wives and how did  that work out? Is this the kind of contract where you bang other countries on the side and get them flowers while we stay at home and make your favorite chili and cry when the batteries go dead in the vibrator?

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