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March 01, 2015
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This didn't happen to me.

I swear, I totally didn’t shit my pants on my twenty first birthday or anything, but here are some tips on how to avoid a horrible, embarrassing catastrophe that certainly didn’t happen to me last night.

  • Don’t eat three day old Indian food during the day as a birthday lunch. This is just a general rule to live by.
  • If your friend is baking weed brownies for the first time make sure plenty of people eat them first to see if it makes them shit their pants.
  • If you do end up eating a weed brownie, and aren’t sure how it will affect you, the best course of action is to not drink beer, even if it is your twenty first birthday.
  • Don’t be afraid to use the bathroom at your friend’s rock show. Even though everyone at the show is wearing AllSaints they poop too.

If you do end up doing all of those things mentioned above on your twenty first birthday, here are some ways to gracefully shit your pants on the subway, while coming back from your friends rock show. Again this is totally not a thing that happened to me.

  • Do not have your back turned to an old, sleeping Jamaican woman.
  • If you do shit your pants, make sure to play it cool by saying things like, “yeah what is that smell?” Or “Someone totally shit their pants, it wasn’t me!”
  • If you do have your butt facing an old, sleeping Jamaican woman make sure to quickly turn once you shit your pants, or else she’ll call you the fuck out in front of the entire fucking subway car.
  • No matter how uncomfortable it is, make sure to walk normally from the subway station back to your apartment.
  • Find a reasonable excuse to take a shower at two in the morning.
  • Don’t let anyone hear you cry yourself to sleep.

In conclusion, you only get one twenty first birthday, so make it special by not shitting your pants Simon you fucking, dumb idiot.

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