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WHITE MAN MAKES CHINESE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

 

Doesn’t think Caucasian descent should stop him from celebrating

 

WILMER, OH – Gung Hay Fat Choy indeed!

A local man by the name of Harvey Boor believes it doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from -what ethnic group you may belong to - what your stance on communism is or what level your basic understanding of Chinese culture is at – it’s time to celebrate Chinese New Year!

“It’s pretty cool that the Chinese celebrate New Year’s a month later,” says Boor, 33. “Kinda weird but cool I guess.”

Boor is quick to admit that his January was a bit of a write-off. He’s failed to achieve any of the resolutions he set for himself a month ago – He’s still single, still 35 pounds heavier then he’d like to be, still hasn’t won the lottery, doesn’t have a tattoo, and has yet to find his missing dog.

But he couldn’t be happier that Chinese New Year is upon us, saying he can now make those same resolutions all over again, and it only counts starting now. Boor doesn’t think that his “being white” or “not knowing where China is on a map” should prevent him from enjoying the benefits of the Chinese New Year celebrations, claiming that anybody who says otherwise is just being racist against white people. 

“Why do they get money for their New Year’s, and all I got was a breathalyzer test?” asks Boor. “I’m going to celebrate Chinese New Year’s instead from now, man, because I friggin’ love Rush Hour.”

Having lived an incredibly sheltered and culturally shallow life up until now, Boor had never heard of Chinese New Year until his friend decided to get a meal by Panda Express delivered to his house. The bag their food came in had a promotional flyer attached that made reference to the holiday, and that moment changed Boor’s perspective on everything Eastern.

“Their cookies tell the future, too, pretty friggin’ cool,” says Boor.  “Apparently sunshine is headed my way – suck it, weatherman!”

2012 marks the Year of the Dragon on the Chinese calendar. Upon hearing this, Boor wisely restrained from making a phallic joke, though he was visibly struggling internally. 

Despite his newfound enthusiasm for Oriental culture, Boor insists he’s just your typical white male. He plays “Call of Duty”, enjoys the comedy of Chuck Lorre, and claims to be an expert skier, having skied three times.

Mr. Boor has high hopes for the New Year, whether it be Chinese or not. He’s even considering making a whole bunch of new resolutions for “Jewish New Year” in September should he feel lazy and like procrastinating some more.

At press time, Boor was doing a shot of Jack Daniels and asking anyone within earshot if they knew if Mr. Arigato was Chinese or Japanese. 

 

@TheMichaelLake

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