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February 09, 2015
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Six of the most ridiculous things that happened on last night's episode of The Walking Dead. S05E09: What Happened and What's Going On

1) Truck Full Of Zombie Torsos

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Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and where there’s a field full of zombie legs it’s safe to assume a truck full of zombie torsos isn’t far behind. I love how the truck full of zombie torsos is supposed to solve the riddle of what was up with all those legs. Uh, it’s a truck full of zombie torsos and they all have W’s carved on their heads. Pretty sure this raises more questions than it answers.

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Do the W’s have anything to do with that graffiti mentioning wolves?!?

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I don’t know. Maybe? I didn’t read the comics, I just check the subreddit every Monday.

2) This Should Help Our Friend

OK, so ONE TIME on this show so far a character has been bitten and then had a limb amputated and then went on to have a totally chill life for a while before his head got completely chopped off by a sword. But they got to Hershel’s leg RIGHT AWAY and poor Tyrese has been sitting in a palace of his own fear long enough to have five full conversations with dead people and get bitten twice. Safe to say he’s a goner. Maybe just gracefully put a knife in your friend’s brain instead of being like , “HYYYAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” And did everyone really need to be involved in this? Rick with the arm grab, Glenn softly caressing his face to whisper sweet nothings, and Noah’s in the back yelling, “Worldstar!” Just all a bit much for my taste.

3) The Governor’s PowerPoint Presentation

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Yes, I am aware that Tyreese was tripping balls on dying and this gives the show some cool creative license to do trippy stuff. I get it. We all get it. But what the fuck was up with the Governor suddenly launching a PowerPoint presentation? I mean, the guy is already dying listening to a shitty podcast, do we really need to add PowerPoint on top of it? Let’s just make him brush his teeth and drink orange juice while we’re at it. Then again, if I only had 20 minutes left to live, I guess I would want to spend it watching a PowerPoint presentation because those things feel like goddamn forever. The writers on this show are some cruel and unusual people.

4) Creepy Little White Girls

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In a world full of flesh-eating zombies, creepy little white girls are still the creepiest thing out there. By far. It’s not even close. There is seriously nothing creepeir than a creepy little white girl. The fact that there are two of them together here, and they’re ghosts, it’s fucking terrifying. I’m honestly getting the chills thinking about it, stuff like this has me sleeping with a light on lately.

5) Michonne Got Rod-Blocked

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How do we add a little suspense to the fact that Michonne effortlessly decapitates every zombie head she encounters? Simple! Just have some weird metal rod sticking out of a zombie’s neck that blocks her sword. Yeah, makes total sense. Make sure the other zombie’s don’t catch on! Pretty soon they’ll all have metal rods protruding from their necks and this war will basically be unwinnable.

6) Directed By Shitty Chris Nolan

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Flashbacks! Misleading cold opens that show a funeral! Repeating the same footage over and over! Dumb Instagram filters! It’s OK to take chances when you make something. Be stylistic and put your mark on it. Give it some flavor. Unfortunately, in terms of flavor, this was the equivalent of dumping a metric ton of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt on a single T-bone steak. In the immortal words of a wise man whose name escapes me, “Go back to film school, asshole.” Just take it down a few notches. Stop trying to make Chris Nolan happen, it’s not going to happen. You know who is good at being Chris Nolan? Chris Nolan. He’s fucking fantastic at it. Pretty much the only one who excels in that department. Stick to what you do best and focus on cool zombie deaths and barely advancing the plot in between commercial breaks.

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