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Published May 18, 2011 More Info »
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Published May 18, 2011
1GRANDPA GANJA’S EMPORIUM(Scientology)Evan Keliher ©2006FADE IN:EXT. NIGHT. View of Grandpa Ganja’s Emporium. It’s nearlydark and tokers lounge about in front of the club justbefore closing.INT. CLUB.Usual scene. CHESS PLAYERS in place, EARL and BETH sit atthe table with coffee, GG sells pot to client. Severalothers have coffee, smoke, etc. GUTARIST plays softly.GG(holds baggie openfor client who sniffs pot)…a hint of chocolate. It’s a specialblend from Jamaica. They say ahit of this stuff can make a blindman walk or a crippled man see.CLIENT(pointing to blind EARL)Does he smoke this pot?GGEarl doesn’t have to; he can already walk.CLIENTI’ve got a bad prostate. Damn thing’sthe size of an orange. Is this potgood for prostate trouble?GGGuaranteed. You smoke enough ofthis stuff and you won’t even knowyou have a prostate.CLIENTThat good, eh? Okay, I’ll take anounce — and throw in some ofthat hash there.(points)2GGA wise choice, sir. You’ll be rightas rain within a fortnight.GG puts the baggie on the table and takes small plastic bagfrom a large glass jar.GG (cont’d)There you go. That’ll be $300for the pot and a $100 more forthe hash.CLIENT(counts cash)How do you decide what to chargefor pot?GGSame way every business does:we charge whatever the traffic willbear—then we cut it by 50% becausewe’re secular humanists.CLIENTSecular humanists?GGIt means we’re not assholes.(beat, takes money)Remember, you have to be stoned24/7 with this pot. If you comedown the pot loses its power andit won’t work.CLIENT24/7, eh?(looks at baggie,grins happily)I’m 76 years old but I thinkI can handle it.GGThat’s the spirit!(CLIENT starts out,GG calls)Come back when you need a refill.3GG goes into the backroom as the NUNS appear at the frontdoor.BETHIt’s the sisters, Earl.EARLThey back already? They gotenough pot last week for allthe sisters and the choir, too.NUNS at table.BETHGood evening, ladies. How arethings at the parish?1st NUNVery busy. We’ve had a huge influxof sinners this week.2nd NUNThey were mostly politicians.The Republicans held a big rallyat the Civic Center and they allcame in for confession.1st NUNWe burned up a pound of pot tryingto raise their levels of consciousnessbefore confessing but it was hopeless.2nd NUNTwo senators and a judge reached thelevel of a lab rat for a minute butthey couldn’t maintain it.1st NUNAnd you never saw such a bunch! Liarsand thieves, bribe takers, grafters,knaves and blackguards…!2nd NUN…the bishop thinks one of themstole his watch…EARLWhy didn’t you give ‘em a good whipping?42nd NUNWe did. I wore out my whip andhad to borrow one from a dominatrixin another parish.1st NUNAnd it doesn’t help, anyway. We’resupposed to save souls but the onlysoul a politician has is on his shoes.BETHI’m not surprised. The averagepolitician is so crookedhe could hide behind a corkscrew.EARLI say you’re wasting good pot.Let ‘em lie in confession andthey’ll go to hell where they belong.1st NUN(sighs)I’m afraid hell is just a metaphornowadays; nobody believes in it anymore.2nd NUNIf people stop believing insomething, it doesn’t exist, youknow.1st NUN(nods)The same with Purgatory. People won’tpay for prayers and masses to getout of it since they found out wemade it all up.2nd NUNAnd Limbo. What do they do with allthe unbaptized babies now?1st NUNWe have to run bingo games andsell dispensations just to pay the rent.2nd NUNShades of Martin Luther!5BETH(pointing to thepoor box)Well, you’ve still got the moneyfrom the poor box.1st NUNSure, but it’s never enough. Poorpeople don’t have a lot of money,you know. There’s hardly enoughhere to keep us in, uh, medicine.2nd NUNThat’s right. The bad economy hasbeen hard on the Church. The popeeven might sell some of his jewels.That would raise $100 billion rightthere.1st NUN(aghast)Surely, he wouldn’t sell all of them!2nd NUNNo, no, he’ll still have lots ofjewels left. Just the ones in thesmall warehouse.EARLThe pope has a warehouse full of jewels?1st NUN(smugly)The pope has three warehouses full ofjewels.All are stunned and look it.2nd NUN(box on table)Anyway, we need to restock our supplies.We’ve got a used-car salesmen’sconvention coming up next week.BETHYour timing is perfect; it musthave been divinely inspired.62nd NUNGee, you think so? I mean,it just came out of the blue.Sr. Mary Martyr finishedoff a bong of Wowie Maui and she gotthis kind of funny look on herface and she said, “I think we needmore pot.”(to 1st NUN)Didn’t she say that, Sr. Dolorosa?1st NUN(nods)Those very words.EARL(piously)That sounds like God’s work to me,all right.BETHWe’re having a sale on somechocolate-flavored Jamaican potfor just $300 an ounce. They saythis was Bob Marley’s favorite.1st NUNOh, I love his music!2nd NUNWe’ll take eight ounces.1st NUNAnd six ounces of the Mexican.BETH(getting pot)That comes to $2880.1st NUN(dumps poor box,counts)Eight, nine, ten…GG emerges from the backroom.7GGGood afternoon, ladies. How are thebishop’s heebie-jeebies doing?2nd NUNVery well, thank you.In fact, he’s already 50% cured.1st NUNYes, the pot cured the heebies andnow he just has the jeebies.EARL(thinking)Are jeebies always plural? Or canyou have just one jeebie?GGGood question. If you cure ‘em,won’t you finally have a singlejeebie left just before the cure kicks in?BETHOr can you have the heebies without thejeebies?1st NUNI never heard of anyone having just theheebies.2nd NUNOr just the jeebies.EARL(shudders)You know, I think I’m getting theheebie-jeebies just by talkingabout ‘em.GG(Shudders)Me, too. I’m sorry I brought it up.1st NUN(picking up pot)Well, we have to be gettingback. The bishop gets all jitteryif he starts to come down.8EARLDoesn’t everybody?CAMERA on the NUNS as they start out. Both shudder.RICO, JASON, JACK and EDDIE come in as the NUNS leave.GGAh, here’s my panel now.BETH(calling)Last call, folks, We close in fiveminutes.Customers look up, stand, begin to move door ward.EARL(looks around)Yeah, it’s getting dark, all right.BETHYou can see the light?EARLBeth, I saw the light a long timeago. You don’t need eyes to seethe light.BETHNo, but you do need a brain. Toomany people have eyes and no brains.BETH is at the door and she locks it as the last manleaves. The new arrivals stand about. EARL approaches them.RICO(to EARL)Hey, man, how’s it going?EARLI’m good. Whose ass we kick tonight?RICOI heard its Rush Limbaugh.JACKIsn’t that asshole in jail yet?9EDDIEJail’s too good for him. He saiddrug addicts should be shot andnow he is one. So we should shoot his ass.JASONIt’s not Rush; he’s old news. Nobody takesthat asshole seriously.RICOMaybe it’s Bush’s military record?EDDIEIt can’t be, they can’t even findmost of it.EARLAnd what they have found looks likeJesse James’ scratchpad.JACKMaybe the subject is philosophy. Kant’sCritique of Pure Reason or…JASONPhilosophy’s boring. AmbroseBierce said philosophy is “aroute of many roads leading fromnowhere to nothing.”RICOBrilliant man, Bierce.GG puts a mike and tape recorder on the table and draws upa chair. BETH puts down a glass with several jointsstanding upright in it as GG lays a yellow legal pad downwith questions e-mailed in from previous panel shows.BETH(dramatically).The world awaits with bated breath.GGI detect a note of scorn. Our audiencemay be small but it’s only because we’rehighly selective. We don’t allow morons totune in, you know.10EDDIEIn fact, we blacked out the entirestate of Utah to make sure theywouldn’t listen.GGThat’s morons, Eddie, not Mormons.We don’t care if Mormons listen.JACKAs long as they don’t move inand lower property values.When all are settled, GG turns the recorder on.GG(formally)Welcome to the further adventuresof the Boys in the Backroom, episode#8, Grandpa Ganja presiding. This is apublic service educational programaimed at exposing lies and hypocrisiespromulgated by liars and hypocrites.RICOThat’s us!EDDIELet’s do it, man!GGBut first we have our customaryritual smoke to make sure everybodyis properly stoned.(points to joints)Gentlemen, help your selves.EARL(to anyone)Help myself to what?RICOA joint. Here, I’ll get you one.RICO takes a joint, hands it to EARL, and lights it.11JASONMan, this has got to be the coolestgoddam club there ever was!EDDIEThat’s because we use pot instead ofRobert’s Rules of Order.GGYou know, every time I’ve seensomebody invoke Robert’s Rules theleaders used it to silence theopposition. Everyone was out of orderexcept the guys in charge.JASONSo we get stoned and nobody’s incharge.RICOYeah, fuck Bob and his Rules.All raise joints in salute.GGGentlemen, I give you the magicalcurative powers of the noble marijuanabush. To your good health!RICOThe medicine that works even whenit doesn’t!EARLHear, hear!All smoke and exhale clouds of life-giving pot smoke.GGGood. Now, it’s time for our panelof experts, regular guys fromthe neighborhood and experiencedpot smokers with opinions oneverything.(camera on motley panel.All wear eye patches, tattoos,scars, hair, etc.)Jack and Rico are community college grads…12GG (cont’d)(they nod)…they’re our resident intellectuals.(beat)Eddie has his electricians license…(EDDIE nods)and Jason got his GED last year.(JASON nods)Okay, so it’s not a Meet the Press-typepanel. But remember, pot makes yousmarter. One hit will raise your IQby 20 points and these guys have beensmoking all afternoon. So expect alot of intellectual hi-jinks.(all nod and touch fists,etc. GG checks legal pad)All right, let’s start with a questionfrom our last show. This is from JCin Omaha. “Which religion is themost idiotic and what should wedo about it?”JACKJesus Christ, that’s a tough call.EARLMaybe we should start with oneof the dumbest ones.JASONThat would mean Scientology, then.GGGood choice. That’s fertile groundif you’re studying idiots.EDDIEYou’re right there. Did you know theaverage Scientologist has an IQ of 83?RICOAre you sure? Sounds high to me.EDDIEI’m sure. I saw it on the Internet.RICOOh, well, if you saw it on the Internet…13All nod, agree.JASONI could have told ‘em that withoutany fancy study. Being a Scientologistis one of the criteria for diagnosingimbecility.RICOTom Cruise is a Scientologist.JACKSo is John Travolta.GGWell, that settles it, then.EARLIt’s not even a real religion;it’s just a cult with money.EDDIEYou could say that about the CatholicChurch.JASONSure, but it wasn’t invented 50 yearsago by a sci-fi writer.RICOYeah, L. Ron Hubbard made it allup, for Christ’s sake.GGAnd that’s the definition of acult. A guy dreams up a new way tobamboozle the ignorant, buys a tentand some sawdust, and bango!you’ve got a brand-new religion.JASONScientology never had any miracles,did it?GGIt’s a miracle they haven’t been runout of town, if you ask me.14RICOI say, no miracles, no religion.JACKYeah, if a religion doesn’t haveany miracles, how do we know it’slegit?GGHe’s right. If Travolta couldraise up a dead man or two, why, I’dsign up with ‘em on the spot.EARLThey don’t have any miraclesbecause they can’t work any.RICOWhy don’t they just fake miracleslike the Catholics?JACKYeah, they could claim Tom Cruise walkson water. Nobody has to see him do it;they just say he does.JASONWould people believe that?RICOSure. Nobody ever saw Jesus walk on anywater, did they?EDDIEThey could use Photoshop tomake fake pictures of Cruise walkingacross Lake Michigan.GGMaybe the Scientologists couldfind a rust spot that lookslike Travolta and claim it’s a miracle.The Catholics have used that one forcenturies.JASONOr maybe Hubbard could rise fromthe dead like Lazarus in the Bible…15GGThat wasn’t a miracle. Scholarsfound out there was a field ofburning marijuana bushes next toLazarus’ tomb and it was the smokefrom the pot that woke him up.EDDIEWell, that’s a lot more plausible thanthis miracle bullshit.RICOMaybe somebody could find a Scientologistwith an IQ over 74—that would be a miracle.JACKThat’s all it would take. TomCruise walking on water wouldlegitimize Scientology so it couldbe taught in place of evolution inour schools.JASONScientologists are good at raising moneyand bullshit, though.GGThat’s right. They recruit richguys and brainwash ‘em to get theirmoney.EDDIEThat’s what they did to Travolta andCruise.EARLThey didn’t brainwash Travolta andCruise; all they needed was a lightrinsing. Neither of ‘em had any senseto start with.EARLIt pays off, though. I heard they tookTravolta for ten million bucks andtwo of his airplanes.16RICOAre there any poor Scientologists?GGNo. Poor people can’t sign up; it’sin their Constitution. You have tobe a Republican and believe inCreationism.RICOBut let’s be fair. Scientologistsdo a lot of good things, too.JACKYeah, like polygamy. Those guys canhave 10 or 15 wives each.GGThose are Mormons and you have tolive in Utah.EDDIEWhat?GGThe Mormons are the ones who canhave extra wives.JASONAnd the Muslims, too. Osama Bin Ladenhas 20 or 30 wives.EARLMaybe that’s why he’s so fuckedup. Most guys are fucked up andthey only have one wife.GGChristians can have a lot of wivesbut only one at a time. We callthat serial monogamy.EDDIEOkay, so we know Scientologists areidiots. The question is, what do wedo about ‘em?17JASONI say we send out 10,000 rovingbands of nuns armed with sticks tobeat ‘em back into shape.GG(shaking head)We can’t do that. Roving bands ofarmed nuns are against the GenevaConvention. We’d be tried for war crimes.EARLIf nuns are illegal, why not sendthousands of guys out wearing whiteshirts and riding bikes to convert‘em to secular humanism? They couldtrick their way into a house andrefuse to leave until the assholes sign up.GGNo good. People would think they’reMormons; they’d never let ‘em in the house.RICOWe could infiltrate their covensand undermine ‘em from within.Sow seeds of unbelief. Hint thatL. Ron Hubbard failed science inschool and may have been a pedophile.EDDIEWe could round ‘em up like we did theJapanese-Americans in WWII. Just shiptheir asses out to Manzanar.JASONCan we still do that?RICOSure, you can do anything underthe Patriot Act. Just call ‘emterrorists and give ‘em all lifewithout parole. No trial, nolawyers, no evidence, no witnesses.GGAnd not much justice, either.18JACKWhy don’t we blackmail ‘em? Threatento tell everybody how the Scientologistsdressed up as Indians and killeda wagon train load of settlers in theMountain Meadows Massacre?GGThat was the Mormons who did that.JASONAre you sure?GGYep. 1857. Mormons killed 120 settlersand blamed the Indians. Brigham Youngran the whole operation but he framedanother guy and had him shot.JACKOkay, then, let’s blackmail the Mormons.GGWe can’t do that. Blackmail is against thelaw.EARLSo is murdering settlers.EDDIEWell, Christians killed a lot of Indians,too.RICOBut that’s different. The Indians wereon land that we needed. Congress saidit’s okay to kill Indians if they’rein your way.JACKIs that in the Constitution?JASONGen. Custer thought so.EARLBut Sitting Bull didn’t agree.19GGNobody’s killing Indians these days,not even Republicans. I mean, whowould run the casinos? We’d have todrive all the way to Vegas to play a slotmachine.EDDIEOkay, but if we don’t stop theScientologists they’ll overrun thecountry and our national IQ willfall below sea level.JASONThat can’t happen. If people get anydumber even the Scientologists won’twant ‘em.GGWe haven’t answered our question yet.What do we do about Scientologists?JACKPut their pictures up in the postoffice and offer a reward dead oralive.EDDIEArm the citizenry with torches andpitchforks and chase the bastardsout of town.GGGermany just convicted ‘em for fraudand hit ‘em with a heavy fine.EARLThat’s it. Pass a law against beinga Scientologist. Drive ‘em undergroundand make ‘em live in caves like the earlyChristians.JASONOr we could just build a wall aroundUtah and turn the whole goddam stateinto a big prison and never let anybodyin or out.20RICOYou can’t lock up over a million peoplein one place and get away with itnowadays.JASONSure, you can. Look at Gaza.BETH(interrupting)Anybody want more coffee? Or a cookie?GGGood idea. Give everybody a cookie.BETH goes to fetch the cookie box.GG(checks time)We’re out of time, boys, and nosolution in sight, but at leastwe’ve warned people about whatthe Scientologists are up to.(to camera)If one of ‘em moves into yourneighborhood, alert the authorities.EARL(to camera)And don’t watch movies with Travoltaor Cruise in ‘em. They might becontagious.GG(to camera)And if you know any Scientologists, tryto turn ‘em on to some pot, as pot isan antidote for ignorance.(beat)So that’s all for this segment of theBoys in the Backroom. We’ll tackleanother controversial topic next timeso be sure to tune in.(camera on Boys asthey raise fists, etc)And remember, you can get a recording of21GG (cont’d)this show by sending two fat jointsto Grandpa Ganja. I’m in the book.Allow six months for delivery as I’moften stoned and tend to put things off.GG turns the mike off and all relax, light up roaches, etc.BETH comes from backroom.BETH(shakes head)You’re going to have 500 pissed-offScientologists show up here atany moment.GGOh, yeah? Well, they can’t intimidateGrandpa Ganja, by God. Isn’t that right,boys?EDDIEDamn right!JASONYou bet your ass!JACKOne for all and all for one!RICOYou can count on us, Gramps!EDDIE(waffling, checks watch)Hey, I just remembered! I’m late for anappointment. I’ve got to get going.RICOUh, yeah, me, too. Uh, I’ve got somestops to make and, uh…JASONWow! Is it that time already?JACKIs this Thursday?! Oh, no! I’msupposed to take my brother to theairport tonight!22GGYou don’t have a brother, Jack.JACKI do too! His name is Jim and helives in, uh, Texas. His plane leaves at,uh, 10:15JASONI’d like to stay and help you withthose 500 pissed-off Scientologists,Gramps, but…GGHey, what happened to that one forall crap? You can’t leave me here toface 500 pissed-off Scientologistswith just Beth and Earl!EARLWho said anything about Earl?I’ve got to pick my car up at theshop.GG(sarcastic)So it’s just me and Beth, is it?BETHNo, it’s just you and 500 pissedoffScientologists. Tell TravoltaI said hi.The boys are at the front door.EDDIEIf those Scientologists give youany trouble, Gramps, you let usknow and we’ll, uh…JASONDamn right!RICOYou said it, buddy!23EDDIE opens the door a crack and peers cautiously out tosee if the coast is clear. They crowd through the door in abunch and scurry off.GGGo on, run for your lives. See if Icare. Grandpa Ganja doesn’t need anyhelp. Any Scientologists show uparound here and I’ll knock ‘em out.They’ll rue the day they cameafter me, by God!EARLThey gone?GGYeah.BETH(at door)If they do show up, make a run forit. Maybe you can get out the back waybefore they break the door down.GGImpossible! Grandpa Ganja never runsfrom danger! I’ll meet ‘em one ata time or all in a bunch.EARLI don’t know about you guys, but asa black American I have a specialaversion to mob scenes. Guys wearingsheets or pissed-off Scientologists allmean the same thing: It’s time for a blackman to be moving on.BETHLet’s go, Earl. See you tomorrow, Gramps.I hope.EARLI’ll drive.They leave.24GGHumph! No balls. Got to stand tall andlook ‘em in the eye and let ‘em knowwho’s in charge.(moves to the door andpeeks out. Headlights flash,brakes squeal. GG slamsthe door closed, locks it)On the other hand, discretion is thebetter part of valor! I’ll just duckout the back way and go for help.GG hurries from the room without a backward glance, as theGUTARIST plays retreat music.THE END