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April 15, 2018
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After the Cambridge Analytica Scandal, Facebook goes into damage control mode.

An Apology From Us Here At Facebook

From all of us at Facebook, we want to sincerely apologize for the recent controversy surrounding our website. We understand that many have trouble trusting us after we mishandled your data. And we want to make that right. So we’re extending an apology fist bump just for you, we know you’re not the hand shaking type.

Here at Facebook, we’re on your side. Philly fans have to stick together, am I right? (Go Eagles!) And soon enough we’ll be looking at this all in the rearview mirror. Things are going to get better soon. Like your intramural softball game this weekend– good luck, by the way! Should be perfect wind conditions for that Nike top you bought last week. In the meantime, maybe we could all cheer up with some chicken nachos from TGI Fridays, like you order every Friday after work at 6:45 p.m. We know they’re your favorite.

But anyway, we’re sorry if we crossed the line with your personal information. We all fall on hard times, like when you got passed up for that promotion because the boss was looking for someone with something more applicable than a degree in accounting from SUNY Plattsburg. Well, technically he said “anybody who’s not that baby-faced kiss-ass”, at least online. But just one week later and you were at a Bon Jovi concert with Sam Jordan and DavidBanks, and it was all in the past! What was in that red cup by the way?

Don’t get us wrong, we’re going to be making some big changes here at Facebook. Really looking at ourselves in the mirror. Surely you can relate to that, like after you dumped your ex and got your life together. And picked up mountain biking that October. Sure, we were a bit surprised that a germaphobe like you could become so outdoorsy, but it just goes to show–anybody can change! So things are really looking up here at Facebook. We really want things to go smoothly in the future, like your bowel movement at exactly 7:45 p.m. every day. How’s your grandmother’s gallbladder by the way? Out of the hospital yet?

So forgive us like you ultimately forgave your ex. It’s not like you’ve never done anything wrong. It would be a real shame if your girlfriend were to hear about some of the shady individuals you were hanging out with last summer after the breakup. What was her name again, Mrs. Rebound, was it? I think your girlfriend will have even less trouble with facial recognition than our algorithms did, if you catch our drift. So just keep that in mind next time you open your mouth to complain.

Our sincerest apologies,

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The Team at Facebook

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