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October 01, 2015

FLOTUS asked girls to focus on their education instead of cute boys, which is great and all but surely doesn't apply to those girls who know Hans.

First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at an event for Let Girls Learn this week and urged young girls to not let boys take priority over their own dreams and education.

Her direct quote was “there is no boy cute or interesting enough to distract you from your education.” While this is true 99.9% of the time and FLOTUS is correct about the ultimate benefits of focusing on your education, her argument just can’t hold up against Hans. Yes, Hans, the new foreign exchange student with honey skin and deep green eyes from, where is he from? Germany? A country near Germany that you haven’t learned about in AP History yet? Heaven?


They don’t even have football in the country he is from, he is just naturally gifted at whatever sport is coolest.

Hans showed up this year just when you thought there was no one left in your school to have a crush on. Out of the eligible 15 year old bachelors, you’ve either already dated them, your friends called dibs on them, or they run track (social suicide.) He speaks another language (German? Or a language spoken in a country near Germany?) so he doesn’t have to take a foreign language class. He uses that extra period to take another gym class. That’s how dedicated he is to staying healthy and keeping that teen body of his taut.

We know Michelle Obama said to not let boys distract us, but to be fair Hans is less of a distraction and more of an inspiration. He is the kind of 15 year old that makes you want to get good grades and learn to speak that sort of German (??) language he speaks to his mom when she picks him up after school. If Michelle met Hans, too, there is no way she wouldn’t agree. Plus, being around him makes you more worldly, probably

What Michelle Obama said is really important and true and we don’t advise letting stupid boys get in the way of achieving your dreams. But technically if your dream is starting a life and attending a foreign university with Hans (à la Cory and Topanga from Boy Meets World, but again, not college in America, but a university somewhere near wherever Hans is from) you’re in the clear and FLOTUS can’t get mad at you.

It’s not like we’re disobeying her orders and planning to get get rich off of pizza delivery with a shitbag like Derek or anything. We’re talking Hans here and Hans is…different than other boys. It wouldn’t surprise us if Hans grew up to be just as powerful as Barack Obama, but you know, not the president because he wasn’t born here.