Greetings, world. It’s us. Your hackers. For the past few months, we’ve been terrorizing you, releasing your celebrities’ nudes, and hacking your own vulnerable data. You’ve felt angry, ashamed, and guilty for looking at Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. (You should feel guilty for looking at Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. You did not do the hard work of hacking them. We, the hackers, are the only ones who should get to look at Jennifer Lawrence’s tits.)
But there’s good news. Today, after we hacked over 200,000 Snapchat photos, we would like to announce that we finally have enough nudes.
World, you can now share nude photos with impunity. We will not hack them. We had some target numbers; we hit them; now we’re done.
We honestly did not expect that this day would ever come. We thought we would keep hacking and hacking and never have enough. But the time has come to admit that we have stolen enough nudes for a lifetime of happy hacker-wanking. 200,000 Snapchat photos leaked today alone! Even if only, say, 80% of those are nudes, that’s enough for us to whack off to ten different photos every day for the rest of our lives. And you know what, that’s plenty. We’re not greedy. Honestly after about six times a day it kind of stops being fun.
We’re not just overwhelmed with quantity, either. We have also hit every possible qualitative nude target. Here is an example of a nude photo that we hacked from Andrew Johnston, a 34-year-old computer programmer in Kenosha, Wisconsin (You are not a hacker so you don’t get to see the uncensored version.)
This is an absolutely perfect picture of a scrotum. The balls hang like two full plums, pleasantly coated in a rugged spattering of hair. They are bracketed by strong thighs (Andrew is a biker) and a delicate hit of underpeen. Plus it’s got a great story behind it: Andrew’s really camera shy and did not want to take them until his girlfriend Christine asked on her birthday, and every time we whack off to this pic, we think of how brave he was.
What’s extraordinary about this pic is not how perfect it is. It’s that we have over 9,000 equally exemplary scrotes that we’ve stolen from their owners’ devices. We also have 105,921 awesome breasts, 88,332 beautiful penises, and 15,004 adequate buttholes. We are living like kings.
It would be insane for us to keep hacking after this. How much stolen porn does a person need?
Here are some things we’ve been doing with our nudes.
- Printing out all the nudes and swimming in them Scrooge McDuck-style.
- Attempting to donate some of our excess nudes to charity.
- Finding the hacked nude photos of us and trying to whack off to them.
- Using the nudes to make a big collage of Bob Newhart.
- Studying to be dermatologists.
- Using the nudes to insulate our house.
So go forth, America, and sext in peace. Stand in front of those bathroom mirrors. Flip that hair. Lounge on those tousled sheets. We will not hack you. We are too busy whacking off to the pics of you we already have.
Whoa holy crap, we’re bad people.