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Published August 22, 2008

OLYMPIC PLAYGROUND SPORTS

USA MEDAL COUNT

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Medal = Button Key:

GOLD  = ALUMINUM

SILVER = FIBERGLASS

BRONZE = PAPIER-MACHE’

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DOUBLE-DUTCH JUMP ROPE EVENT

The Aluminum Button was easy for this team, as ALL the other competitors contracted poison ivy. Since they showed up, they won. They jumped anyway, despite boos from the crowd.   The itchy, scratching, oozing crowd.

 

SYNCHRONIZED MERRY-GO-ROUND EVENT

2004/Athens U.S. Bronze medal champions, Lisa, Louie, and Lima Bean Mazurky cross-trained inside the Capsule Simulation Chamber at NASA every weekend for the last four years. They threw-up many peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, but were able to get the Fiberglass this time “around”.


HOPSKOTCH

John “Grasshopper” Armstrong won Aluminum in the Olympic Hopskotch Men’s Singles for the U. S. of America.

Armstrong wears a green uniform, including shoes, socks, jockstrap, and headband. And shirt and shorts, of course. Sometimes.

“Grasshopper” chews and spits tobacco while hopskotching, and has been known to use a genuine imitation green cicada-shaped ruby as his “tossing rock”.

Hopskotch Coach Luke Warm, 2-time Aluminum Button Champion in the Men's Singles Hopskotch Event kept the team focused with cross-training that included drinking large quantities of espresso and playing games of Twister while wearing a blindfold and bubble-wrap underwear.

“It was about time we dethroned the Scottish Hopskotch Team dynasty. Just ‘cause the sport has the name “skotch” in it doesn’t mean they get to win every four @#$!ing years!”

Thanks Coach, for being a great American, and for bringing home the ALUMINUM!

Hopskotch Mixed Doubles Olympic Fiberglass Button winner Bernie "Bunny" Mazurky said "at first the whole team was a little jumpy, but after warming up we're all very hoppy. And skotchy. Hopskotchy we call it."

Mazurky is the grandson of Olympic BINGO champion Steve Mazurky, famed "steroid-king" of the BINGO world.

Bernie broke his left ankle during warm-ups and was last seen on crutches in the parking lot.


PLAYGROUND BIATHLON; POGOSTICK & SLINGSHOT

A coveted sport amongst playground enthusiasts, the Playground Biathlon is a hearty mimic of the better known Ski & Shoot. Dwayne “Pogo Butt” Mackahackalatchy won Aluminum in the “Pogo & Sling”.

In the Extreme Doubles Competition Siamese twins Cindy and Sandy Warm won Fiberglass due to several hangnail situations that caused several spectator accidents.

Three other members of the team were disqualified for aiming at a Panda. They were hit by a rickshaw just outside the stadium and were last seen cussing in the parking lot.

Coach Melissa “Pogo-sling” Crotchatorria had the team cross-train by jumping on a mini-trampoline while using a jackhammer. “It helped them prepare for the intense nuances involved in this sport. And I got a new driveway, too.”


 <:{)




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