Looking for an apartment can seem time consuming and overwhelming. Use these helpful tips to make finding the perfect apartment quick and painless:

  • You want to find a realtor or apartment broker you can trust: Have him do a quick bump of blow, so you know he’s not a cop.
  • Does the building have onsite maintenance? Punch a hole in the wall and find out.
  • Some older buildings might have dangerous chemicals. Be certain to ask if there’s a fee to use them, or if that’s included in the rent.
  • Sometimes apartment hunting can feel like a losing battle.  But your realtor can’t know you’re unhappy with your search if you don’t say anything. If you start to feel this way, let your realtor know how you’re feeling by saying, “Well, well, it appears the hunter… has become the hunted.” Make eye contact.
  • Lots of apartments have hidden value! Take some time to search for copper wire in the walls.
  • Even the most beautiful apartment is worthless if the location isn’t right. It can be tough, though, to get a read on a neighborhood you haven’t spent much time in. Find a busy street and shoot your gun in the air a few times. If people scream and call the police over a little noise, just imagine what they’ll do when you throw a party! If no one even stops playing basketball, you’re probably looking at a more relaxed environment.
  • Is there a garbage disposal? DO NOT PUT YOUR DICK IN IT.
  • Your potential neighbors can be a great source of honest info. Be sure to ask lots of questions: How responsive is the landlord? Is it loud? What’s your wifi password?
  • In Los Angeles and New York, lots of apartment buildings are a part of movie history! That’s a dumb thing to care about!
  • Every NYC apartment building has a wacky neighbor who drops in unannounced. If no one is doing this, feel free to take it upon yourself to fill this role.
  • Make sure to ask your realtor if any families were brutally murdered in the very unit you’re standing in, as most ghosts are assholes.
  • Looking for an apartment in the coolest upcoming part of town—the next Williamsburg or Echo Park your friends don’t even know about yet? Fuck you.
  • When moving into your new building, really do try to avoid Steve in 303. He’s just, well--eh, you’ll figure it out.

Happy hunting!