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August 23, 2010

This is entirely true. I wish it wasn’t. Yeah, I write jokes but there’s no way in hell I could think of something like this. Ever since the start of high school I have been very unlucky with the ladies. No surprise there. But for some reason I get hit on by old men. I can’t explain it. I can’t even mow the front lawn without the old guy from across the street blowing kisses at me and saying “Push that mower harder”.  It all started with a certain teacher sophomore year. We’ll call him Mr. Inappropriate.  I had a question. Mr. Inappropriate came over to my computer and helped me. I was thankful, he was a little too happy. He rubbed my shoulders and said “Very good Preston.” As he walked away one hand lingered on my shoulder and slowly went down my arm. I dropped the class the next day. One time I helped an old man cross a busy intersection and instead of a “thank you”, he whispered sweet nothings into my ear and invited me back to his place. I ran away from him faster than a fat kid going to McDonalds. Over the next few years I’d get a wink here, a shoulder pat there. I lived in fear. And still do. Summer 2008. I was a cashier at the zoo but I also helped tear tickets for the Imax shows. An old man comes into the lobby and purchases tickets to the 2 p.m. show. At 1:57 he walks through the line and I tear his ticket. He winked and then proceeded to rub my belly. At the time there was only one person allowed to do that. And that old man was NOT that person. I felt so abused and used. Just a piece of candy for the cataract filled eyes of old men. Fall 2009. I had just finished swimming laps at the gym. It was 11:30 at night. Other than the staff I was the only person there. Or so I thought. After swimming I went into the hot tub in the locker room. Just relaxing and enjoying the hot water. Then I hear the noise of a shower curtain being pulled back. And out comes an old man. As soon as he came out, over the radio in the locker room the song “Bump N’ Grind” by R. Kelly came on. You know, the one that goes “My mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes!” And I knew God was laughing his ass off at me. The old man saw me. Just a bearded 19 year old in a hot tub. He grabbed his towel and came over to the hot tub. I have never been so scared in my entire life. He put his foot up on the edge and started to furiously dry his testicles and said in a shaky voice “You come here often?” Not anymore freak. For the second time in my life I ran away from an old man. A place of exercise became a place of unwanted memories. What the hell is wrong with me? I guess my beard brings all the old men to the yard. I could teach you. But that would be sick and wrong.