Unemployment is a son of a gun, and because of the lockout, about 1900 NFL players are coming to an unemployment list near you. Which career paths will the sultans of the gridiron partake in? Below is a list of our guesses:
The linebacker duo of AJ Hawk and Clay Matthews
will be, duh, WINNING, by joining the team of the ultimate warlock
himself, Charlie Sheen.
Tiki Barber, immediately forced back into retirement, will open up a barber shop. Unfortunately for the patrons, Tiki only knows one type of cut.
Rex Ryan, despite all the feet jokes, will give way to his passion and open a “pedicure only” shop.
Roger Goodell will open up a tanning salon conveniently located next to Rex’s Pedi Shop. However, in a characteristic-of-Roger business move, Goodell Ol’ Boy will use more than a fair share of the product, and the salon will go under.
Plaxico Burress, another former Giant who won’t be able to return, will try his hand as an entrepreneur by inventing the “Sweatpants Gun Holster”.
Michael Vick will pursue his passion for animals by joining Mike Tyson’s pigeon racing team.
Cam Newton, unable to play in what should’ve been his rookie season, will become a cartoon. Literally, a cartoon. There is no need to draw up his face.
Rachel Nichols, the pretty-in-a-scary-way sideline reporter for ESPN, will have no other choice than to hit the pole… the fishing pole, that is. Apparently ESPN has a pretty sweet early retirement package.
Terrell Owens will lead a therapy group specializing in people who are distraught about the way other people have treated their quarterbacks.
Mel Kiper will consult with large companies looking for new college graduates, making a Kiper’s Board for those potential new hires.
Super agent Drew Rosenhaus will become an used car salesman. This one doesn’t even need an explanation. Everything about him screams, “Buy this 2001 Mercury Sable!”
Finally, after not being able to broadcast any longer, Mark Schlereth will continue to make chili. That’s not even a joke. It’s called Mark Schlereth’s Stinkin Good Green Chili. Google it, I dare you.