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July 24, 2017
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A recap of episode 2 of Game of Thrones 7th season "Stormborn," in which everybody meets everybody

Last night’s Game of Thrones was the wild and crazy key party we never thought to ask for but absolutely needed. Characters from different storylines intersected left and right, some for the first time, others after a long separation - and two lovebirds from the same storyline finally found a creative way to get bizzayyy. Thunderstorms make people do crazy things, I guess. All we can do is enjoy the ride and try to stay dry!

“She pulled my keychain, what else am I gonna do?”

1. Daenerys + Melisandre = Daenisandrys

It’s storming in Dragonstone, and Dany’s in a bad mood. Despite having made it all the way to Westeros and making friends with the most popular houses right off the bat, she doesn’t feel truly at home yet. She lashes out at Varys for being disloyal to her father (The Mad King) all those years ago, and she demands that if he’s ever tempted to go behind her back, he should tell her TO HER FACE what she’s doing wrong. Seems like a reasonable request, provided she isn’t standing next to one of her dragons or armies at the time.

Lol Dany, such a dry wit

Just then Melisandre swings by for a quick grammar lesson and low-key matchmaking sesh. It seems “The Prince That Was Promised” should actually be translated from High Valyrian as “the prince or princess that was promised” (to which Dany’s like “…yeah, duh”), and by the way, while we’re on it, has she ever heard of this great guy Jon Snow? Melisandre is fully Patti Stanger now and there’s no going back. She convinces Daenerys to invite Jon Snow to Dragonstone, prompting the most anticipated meet-cute in Westerosi history.

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“I found a guy for you but listen, you have to commit to waxing first. I’m serious. I’ve had a lot of complaints from men recently about women not waxing enough. If you’re serious about finding love, you need to commit.”

2. Davos + Reading = Readavosing

Not a huge plot point, but it’s always nice to watch Davos read something.

“Hm, you were right. It DOES say that”

3. Randyll Tarly + Olenna Tyrell = Randenna Tyrly

Without seeing an actual scene between them, we learn that Randyll Tarly is extremely loyal to Olenna Tyrell, and this fact will make it hard for him to fight against her in Cersei’s war. Jaime wants him to be his ranking general and promises him Warden of the South when it’s all over, but it’s unclear which way Tarly will lean when it comes down to it. Who knew such a jerk dad could be such a stand-up bannerman?

Jaime: “Mkayyy, mmkayyyy”

4. Samwell + Jorah = Jormwell

Samwell and Archmaester Ebrose are treating Jorah Mormont‘s greyscale at the Citadel, and the prognosis is pretty bleak. He’ll inevitably go crazy in six months or less, but Sam (realizing he’s the son of previous Lord Commander Jeor Mormont) has an idea that just might work: peel off Jorah’s stone flesh pebble by pebble. Cool, very unorthodox, very Boltonish move. And the idea comes from an archmaester who died of greyscale? Ok, got it, makes perfect sense. At least Sam Tarly is a man of action now.

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The face of a man who knows more or less what he’s doing, kind of

5. Cersei + a Large Dragon Skull = Cerskull

Great news: Qyburn has created a spear launcher designed specifically for braining dragons. After a successful test shot, Cersei seems to be planning to sit at the helm of the weapon and shoot at Daenerys’s dragons herself when the time comes. Hey, maybe she’s a natural, we don’t know. All we know is that Qyburn cooks up more clever weaponry than James Bond’s [Agent Q](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q_(James_Bond)). Maybe they’re spiritual ancestors!

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“Um, does anyone have a gigantic Tylenol? Ha ha ha haaaaa…dragon humor”

6. Arya + Hot Pie = Hotarry

Welcome back, Hot Pie! Arya’s old travel companion/friend is now not only a successful, butter-browning inn chef, but also a deliverer of good news: Jon Snow and Sansa are alive and well back home! Overcome with relief, Arya changes her destination from King’s Landing to Winterfell, and along the way she encounters yet another old friend…

7. Arya + Nymeria = Nymarya (!!!!!!!)

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HELLO AGAIN LIL PUPPY GIRL!!

NYMERIA in the entire series. Nymeria bit Joffrey for threatening Arya, and Arya, knowing that Cersei would have her direwolf killed, sent Nymeria away Harry & the Hendersons style to save her life. Apparently she’s spent the past few years creating an impressive pack of terrifying wolves - and although they would come in extremely handy in any of the wars to come, Nymeria isn’t about that life. Sorry for partying, Arya. Can’t tie me down.

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“It ain’t me, babe”

8. Missandei + Greyworm = Missworm

**schwing**

Congratulations, you two crazy kids. We always knew you could figure this one out together!

9. Sansa + Littlefinger = Sansafinger

“If she looks at me NOW we’re in love. No, NOW. No! That didn’t count.”

When Melisandre first mentioned inviting Jon Snow to Dragonstone, I assumed it would mean not only Jon and Dany’s meeting, but also a fraught reunion between Sansa and Tyrion. They used to be married, remember?? But it turns out Sansa has no interest in leaving Winterfell, so Jon names her Queen in the North (after a melodramatic “I didn’t ASK to be king!” speech (he can’t help it)). Just one request before he goes: don’t marry Littlefinger while he’s gone. He doesn’t belong in the “family crypt,” as they say. Sansa hasn’t been open about her plans or how they may involve Littlefinger, but Jon’s pretty open about wanting to knock his lights out if he goes anywhere near her.

10. Yara + Ellaria = Yallaria

Yara Shrugging.jpg

“Sorry bro, she has an accent!!”

This makes total sense. Two ambitious, bisexual women from different worlds meet and know pretty much from the get-go that they’re going to be lovers. What doesn’t make sense is why taunting Theon would be part of Ellaria‘s seduction method. Moments before Yara and Ellaria can consummate their new alliance, Euron and his fleet attack Yara’s ships, and a gruesome battle ensues.

Euron, “you’re on” our last nerve! Is it fair to say that?

The Sand Snakes are slaughtered, Ellaria is captured, and Euron holds Yara hostage, daring Theon to rescue her. Tbh, Theon doesn’t really have a chance of rescuing his sister, and he leaps overboard like a coward. I was going to say this moment was Theon reuniting with the Reek he used to be, but I think this move is actually more OG Theon of him. Maybe he resents his sister’s sexual prowess, or maybe he knows he’s powerless. Either way, the episode ends with him floating on flotsam, watching the ships burn, alive but not necessarily happy about it.

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This ship looks kind of like Lilo & Stitch - just putting that out there.

After such an exhausting episode, what comes next? Will Jon and Daenerys hate each other at first and then fall in love, the Sam and Diane of Dragonstone? Will Randyll betray his oldest friend? Will Jorah’s greyscale actually heal, or is Sam facing a serious malpractice suit? We’ll find out together on next week’s Game of Thrones!

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