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November 16, 2015

Abraham's ass has a fever and the only cure is tying up loose ends. Nine of the most ridiculous things from S06E06 'Always Accountable' of 'The Walking Dead'

1) Welcome Back, Daryl

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What’s up, Daryl? Good to see you! Long time no angel wings. You missed so much! Let’s get you caught up to speed on all the recent developments. We, uh, learned why Morgan is acting like a bitch. There was a goat. The goat died. Rick went for a jog and someone stole some crackers. OK, I guess you actually didn’t miss that much. YO, HEADS UP! SHOTS FIRED. BRAP-BRAP-BRAP WORLDSTARRRRR!

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“Better fire a few hundred more bullets into this Honda just to be sure.”

What was the plan here? Just everyone shoot at everything and crash 100% of all vehicles? Great plan! Mission accomplished. Time for a quick power nap next to zombie Daft Punk.

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Zombie, Better, Faster, Stronger

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The people running this show REALLY SEEM TO HAVE A LARGE BONER for these aerial shots of a defeated character lying down. We get it. Everyone who is alive is just waiting to die. The title of the show is a double meaning that refers to the living as well as the zombies. We fucking get it. Please chill on this heavy-handed visual metaphor that requires the camera guy to climb a ladder. I’m sure the camera weighs a ton and he’s just as tired of it as the rest of us.

2) Daryl Got Outsmarted By A Bag

Get it together, Daryl! It’s a canvas bag, not the chalkboard problem from Good Will Hunting. Speaking of Good Will, I had to do some community service at The Good Will when I was 17 because of a speeding ticket. It was a generally miserable experience, but the one positive thing I took away was when my manager saw me struggling to wring a mop and said, “You look like a monkey trying to fuck a football.” Darryl was looking like a monkey trying to fuck a football last night. I can’t wait to see the cosplay at Comic-Con 2016 where a guy dressed like Daryl lies on the floor and wrestles a bag for six hours.

“Just give me a few more minutes.”

That manager at The Good Will would later get fired by the way when Jessica Simpson donated some items, including a huge oil painting of herself, that he got caught selling on eBay. Never understood what he was thinking. Who the fuck would want an oil painting of Jessica Simpson? Jessica Simpson didn’t even want an oil painting of Jessica Simpson.

3) The Zombie Office

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Glad to see The Office is getting the zombie reboot we’ve been waiting for. Hollywood finally got all our letters! Let’s see, Abraham is clearly the Jim of this reboot. Sasha is also Jim. That zombie behind the glass? Did you see the way he mugged for the camera? Jim all day. Everyone is Jim! My only criticism of this zombie reboot of The Office is that everyone is Jim, and a lot of what made The Office great was its ensemble cast. Other than that it’s fantastic and somehow already a better show than this one.

4) “Loose Ends Make My Ass Itch”

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Damn, dude. Sounds like you better tie up those ends! Nothing worse than an itchy ass. Does he mean his butt cheeks itch? Or is this an on-the-hole situation? One is definitely a bigger problem than the other; this is one of those times when details matter. I wonder what else makes Abraham’s ass itch. More than 20 unread emails? Bad vibes? Does injustice make his balls tingle? Do his knees shake just before it rains? Abraham’s body is like CNN, except it reports on news I actually care about.

5) Knock It Off

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“Walk it off.” For sure. Great pep talk. Walk it off! No problem. Walk off the fact that you just lost an arm. What if that was his masturbation arm? There’s a 50% chance (note: I do not have a degree in arm math, but I feel confident with this calculation) that this guy just got his masturbation arm chopped clean off. How can you expect him to just “walk off” the fact that he has to completely re-learn how to make himself cum, arguably the most important skill one can have when trying to navigate a stressful and overwhelming life? Show some compassion. React like a human! Just drop a simple, “Hey, I know you’re going through a hard time right now, what with the fact that I just cut your arm off and all, but I need you to put on your big boy pants and march back to base camp with me. Also, I’m aware that may have been the arm you use to jerk off. Tough break.“ I also like that they filmed this guy like he’s the nanny from Muppet Babies. Super scary! You made me super scared that Muppet Babies will never get a proper DVD release. I fucking miss that show.

6) That’s Just Abraham Being Abraham

Abe, you are freaking us out. You’re “dude wearing jeans on the treadmill at the gym” level of crazy right now. That’s one of the darkest and most perplexing circles of crazy. Oh well! At least your zombie-staring contest resulted in a suspiciously convenient rocket launcher acquisition.

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Grand Theft Zombie V

I wonder if this rocket launcher will come back to be used in some awesome way? Quite possibly at the mid-season finale? Remember when I brought up Chekhov’s gun a few weeks ago? The same rules apply to Chekhov’s rocket launcher, just with substantially cooler results.

7) “A Man Can Tell”

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The dating scene is rough in the zombie apocalypse. You have to trick a woman into thinking that you know that she knows that deep down she wants to be with you. Wait. That’s the same nonsense I’m going through in real life. Whatever. That new Star Wars game comes out tomorrow, pretty sure that buys me at least another three months of not noticing I don’t have a girlfriend. You hear that, Michelle? I’m totally over you thanks to the new Star Wars game! It’s kinda fucked up, her real name is actually Michelle but I don’t think she reads these.

8) Oh, COME ON.

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Let me first say that a 90-pound diabetic girl in a world like this is a ticking clock of death. But she probably could’ve lasted a few seconds longer if her favorite hobby wasn’t apparently standing over bodies that may or may not be active zombies. Why do people do such dumb things? You wouldn’t just hang out over corpses if this zombie thing wasn’t a thing, but this zombie thing IS A THING! Maybe steer completely clear of all corpses. Like how hard is your job, Jesus Christ. Whatever. She died just as she lived, with none of us giving a shit about her.

9) Hole-y Shit

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What is it with this show and holes? Everyone is always digging holes. Last week Rick’s girlfriend was digging a hole. Morgan dug a hole the week before that. Morgan’s goat sensei dug a shitload of holes before that. It’s completely fucking stupid. Have you ever dug a hole? Takes forever. And it’s not like they’re digging holes for a good reason (burying or uncovering treasure = the only good reasons to ever dig a hole), they’re just pointlessly burying bodies. Do something fun with the bodies! Haven’t these people ever seen Weekend At Bernie’s? Every dead friend should be looked at as an opportunity to reenact a classic scene from Weekend At Bernie’s. They all would’ve wanted it that way. It’s crazy we’re six seasons in and there hasn’t been a single scene where someone reenacts a classic Weekend At Bernie’s moment. This show is so unrealistic. Tune in next week! Daryl’s obviously going to kill those two people, but how will he do it? Was that Glenn’s voice on the radio at the end? Has Glenn been hiding at Shake Shack this whole time? Was he on the radio to see if anyone wants him to bring something back from Shake Shack as long as he’s there? Will I go to Shake Shack for lunch today? Yes! Yes to the last one. I’ve never had Shake Shack before and I hear it’s great, really excited to try it. None of this and more on S06E07 of The Walking Dead!