Published December 02, 2011 More Info »
3 Funny Votes
1 Die Votes
Published December 02, 2011

Newt Gingrich received millions to provide clients special access to lawmakers, but he insists he is not and never has been a lobbyist.  Instead, Newt claims he’s a paid visionary who traffics in ideas.
So, Newt’s not a lying adulterer, but a trafficker of superfluous love; nor is he mean, he’s just imitating Stalin with historical accuracy; and Gingrich didn’t leave his cancer-stricken wife so much as he gave her the space to heal.  
By the same token, my dog didn’t piss on your leg, he watered your pants; I don’t owe you money, but have instead provided you an opportunity to reexamine your deficit ledger; I’m not stealing your beer so much as liberating it from your grasp.
The World according to Newt is a strange place, but with a little work and lots of cognitive dissonance, we can get the hang of it!