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Published November 06, 2008 More Info »
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Published November 06, 2008

THINGS I WON’T DO:

  I will not allow myself to play online poker with real money because if I did I would in fact already be homeless with a serious crack addiction.

I won’t allow myself to use the butterfly vibrator because I might be better off thinking that that kind of ecstasy is impossible!  What I don’t know won’t ruin lesser orgasms for me.

I won’t pick up a restricted or blocked call.  Because the chance of it being someone I want to talk to is slim to NO ONE!

I won’t pay my bills on time.  Still haven’t figured that one out.

I won’t start saying I love you at the end of phone calls with friends.  That’s an invitation to a game that NEVER ends.

I like to keep certain boundaries with my friends.  If you’re my friend, I won’t kiss you on the lips. You know those people who lip kiss. I am a lesbian and I get confused easily. I don’t need that kind of intimacy with my friends. It’s a slippery slope.  It’s a lip kiss and then somebody lingers, now there’s tongue.  My tongue doesn’t know you’re my friend!  I’m convinced that lip kissing is a gateway.  First you start lip kissing as a greeting – next thing you know it’s hand jobs.

I won’t TiVo shows that are important to me anymore. Because here’s what happened to me.  I was a big fan of “So You Think You Can Dance” because I know I cannot.   And I TiVo’d every episode with no problems.  Until the season finale.  The TiVo gets about half way through and stops right before they reveal the winner.  That’s all it had recorded for absolutely no reason!  I’ve never had blue balls but I feel like I get it now.  

I want to be proactive and I want to make a difference with the environment and save the planet – I just won’t do anything about it.  And I see that that’s terrible. But you’re lucky if I’m NOT using Styrofoam. I want paper and plastic sometimes, you know?!  Does that make me a terrible person? I’m an eye donor.  Back off.

-Liz Feldman

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