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November 02, 2015

How To Become A Man: Buying Condoms But In A Cool Way


So you’re gonna get laid soon? That’s awesome! Having sex with another person is legit as hell. It’s also one of the most important steps to moving beyond being an immature boy and becoming a full-on man. But like all rites of passage, it doesn’t count if you don’t do it the right way. That means being smart and using a condom. And buying them while still being cool about it!

Below is a guide on how to buy condoms, but in a cool way.

1. Practice at home.
When you were young and trying to draw airplanes but couldn’t quite get the wings to look awesome enough, what did your dad say? “Practice makes perfect.” And he was right!

Before going to the store to buy condoms, practice at home by carrying a “Practice Condom Box” (you can make a P.C.B. by filling an empty box of playing cards with three moist towelettes from any local buffalo wing restaurant) from the door of your bedroom to the window. Do this five hundred times or until the P.C.B. accidentally falls out of the window (Note: do NOT try to retrieve a Practice Condom Box. Trust me, you don’t want to get caught picking a Practice Condom Box up out of your yard. It’s not cool.).

2. Positively associate buying condoms with some badass music.
While getting your reps in at home, play some badass music to add a little swagger to your step. This will make staying cool while buying the real thing a Pavlovian breeze. My favorite music to practice buying condoms to is anything off of Metallica’s Master of Puppets album or “Put On” by Young Jeezy. And don’t be afraid to add some air drumming or karate chop pantomimes into the mix to feel extra badass, invincible, and most of all, cool.

3. Bring a gun.
One problem with buying condoms is knowing that everyone who sees you doing it is definitely judging you and/or imagining you in your most vulnerable state: buck naked and trying to slide a greasy ass condom onto your little dinger. Knowing that you have a gun in the waist of your pants, pointing to the very dinger that will soon need covering, is the ultimate confidence boost because you can just imagine pulling out that gun and shooting anyone who wants to make fun of you. And take it from someone who knows: Confidence is cool.

4. Buy a fistful of deodorant too.
The great thing about deodorant is that you don’t share it with your roommates or siblings, so only YOU know if you need to buy more. Plus having a few other items in your shopping basket will make the condom purchase look routine and nonchalant. If someone asks you why you’re getting half a dozen deodorants, calmly pull the front of your shirt up exposing the butt end of your Glock. They won’t bother you anymore and you will feel very powerful and, you guessed it, very cool.

5. Grab whichever kind, who cares?
So you’re at the condom rack and there are a lot of options. Ignore them all. Simply swipe at the rack without looking, Allen-Iverson-no-look-pass-style, and whatever you end up with, BOOM! That’s what you’ll be covering your wiener with. Indecision, hesitancy, and comparison shopping is for uncool losers.

6. Dap up the cashier.
At the counter your first move should always be a confident fist bump with the cashier coupled with a breezy, “Hey what’s up dude (if cashier is a woman or a white man with long hair)” or “Hey what’s up man (all others).” This will immediately get them to thinking you’re a regular and that you know what’s up, which is basically a synonym for cool in the world of convenience stores. Spill the condoms and deodorants onto the counter and stare straight at the cashier daring him or her to make a move while you feel the cold steel press against your abdomen. They’ll have no choice but to buckle and ring you up as fast as possible to get you out of their store.

You not only got yourself some condoms, which moves you one step closer to becoming a man, but you did it in a cool way. And that makes all the difference.