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November 21, 2008
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TORONTO STAR

OCHO CINCO SITS: Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson, was deactivated for last nights game with the Pittsburgh Steelers for violating a team rule.

The Bengals did not specify the violation. Some reports said he slept through a team meeting.

Reality Check #1: No one noticed the mistake on Johnsons new birth certificate until yesterday. The coaching staff discovered that his new name was actually listed as CHAD OH SO STINKO, hence the suspension.

Reality Check #2: TEAM RULE 5674: Bengal players may carry a criminal record as well as be named in various outstanding warrants, but shall not sleep during boring film fests perpetrated by over analytical coaches.

Come on Chad, get with the program. Sleeping? Pretty lame compared to a handgun violation or a public beating. Geez, what were you thinking.

Reality Check #4: The Bengals are 1 and 8. Who needs Chad, anywho anyway? He might as well return to hair dresser school and open that shop with the Zohan! You cant mess with that.

TORONTO STAR  

Cleveland Browns General Manager Phil Savage has apologized to a fan to whom he sent a profane email following Monday nights game against the Buffalo Bills.

Savage used an expletive in his response to the fan, who criticized the GM in several email exchanges

Well, the transcript of those exchanges was released early this evening and you can say you saw it here first.

FAN: You suck Savage!

SAVAGE: Ya, and you suck the big one, asshole!

After several more sucking exchanges (the whole series was kind of a suck off), Savage ended the email exchange with:  

SAVAGE: Bite me, sucker!

Mediator, Clive Buttrum, got involved quickly once the exchange was revealed and brought the parties together during a conference call this afternoon.

Buttrum said, This sophomoric homophobic behavior is typical of football personnel and fans. The underlying cause, of course, is that football is a homo erotic game?

Savage and the Browns fan were seen exchanging pleasantries in a downtown bistro called, The Passion Flower, later this evening.

Coach Romeo Crennel was quoted as saying, Its good to see Phil stroking our fans  again! We know our fans are assholes, but geez Louise, you don't have to tell them to their face.

BTW

Do you believe my daughter, who is studying sociology at university, told me that football is a homo erotic game. Now that was one interesting discussion, football fans.    

TORONTO STAR

Bud Selig quote: All post season games, all-star games and that, will be full length affairs, and the rule will be so written.

We all remember the fiasco in Philly during the World Series. Well, say no more, if this happens next year the game WILL be played FULLY and COMPLETELY. (Sounds like a Tragically Hip reference, eh! R U CANADIAN?)

Well I guess there were ten good reasons for making this decision.

10. Nike, Adidas and the like are producing a line of baseball rain gear that will expand the MLB brand. Watch for team logo rain-hat and the spiked booties. Such is the business of sport!

9. When a pitcher tosses a little chin magicthe Commissioner hopes for an all out brawl, particularly since the popularity of mud wrestling peaks during a recession. Most baseball fights involve a lot of "Bitch" slaps anyway.

8. They play soccer and football in the rain, dont they?  What are ball players anyway- a bunch of pussies? Your not the Wicked Witch of the East, big guy. You ain't gonna melt!

7. When the uniforms shrink in the rain those tight asses will bring in more female fans. Hence, the womens line of MLB rain gear prospers. Scratching your nuts will be nothing compared to those butt cracks and cheeks being revealed.

6. If there are rain delays, WTF, the West coast has some of the biggest markets. Those fans are good until 3 or 4 am Eastern Standard Time. If the delayed game happens to be on the West Coast, eastern fans can watch the game during the Today Show or on Breakfast Television.

5. Keeping the balls dry wont be a problem given that the saliva application by most pitchers makes the ball as mushy as porridge. Hitters will be able to dry their bats by drawing them through their pelvic area –yet another turn-on for those female fans of the game.

4. Even the gate receipts can be expanded. As angry cold and wet fans leave during the delays, discount tickets can be sold to those fans standing on the outside waiting to get in: a win-win situation to say the very least. Double the concession revenue, too!

3. The Umpire Association is in full support of these measures. DUH! With these weather conditions to bitch about and the resultant redirecting of blame for poor performance, those debatable umpiring decisions will become non-issues! The umpires may be blind, but theyre not stupid!

2. Playing the game in terrible conditions, FULLY AND COMPLETELY, means lots of fun. Just think of those slippery balls, slides into the bases, diving catches in the outfield, and close throws to the plate. Let the circus begin!

1. Bud Selig is God!  Enough said!

Personally the best part of Seligs quote states that these games will be full length affairs. Hey, as a male fan, Im all for that.

Bring on the ladies!

 

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