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August 08, 2016

"I'm just trying to figure out what in the heck is going on with these internet kids my daughter is going ga-ga over."

1) So this show is all about this thing called “TweenFest.”

TweenFest is like Woodstock, but instead of music they got a bunch of those YouTube kids my daughter is crazy about. You know what I’m talking about? They all got three first names, like Justin Taylor-Tyler and Dustin Dustin Nathan, and they put their faces right up to the camera and talk real fast about “haters” or what celebrity they think is what kind of dog.

And instead of drugs, TweenFest has got faves and hearts and thumbies or whatever the heck they’re called. I think I tried to give my daughter, Kaitlyn, a “thumbie” on Facebook once and, oh boy, she did not like that one bit. I was just trying to be fun, but she said I ruined her life and made me promise that I’d only use Facebook to see if my employees were faking when they call in sick.

I know TweenFest is a made up show, but it feels like my life ever since we gave Kaitlyn her own phone. She’s always doing re-shares or posting up-links, so I’m trying to watch this show just to figure out what in the heck is going on with her.

2) Todd Crawford loves his daughter so GD much he threw her a whole TweenFest.

Turn’s out that this whole she-bang was put together by a guy named Todd Crawford, just so his little princess, Maddisyn, could live her dream of being a pop star.

But that’s just the kind of sacrifices us dads make. Last week, I skipped my regular bowling night, the one night a month my wife let’s me get drunk as I want, so I could drive her and some friends around the neighborhood to do Pokey-men. Those girls are crazy about those little critters, but when I tried to show Kaitlyn the wild turkey I hit with the car last month, she locked herself in the bathroom for the night. I guess I just don’t get it…

3) Todd and Maddisyn get interviewed by an honest-to-goodnes child.

Turns out the biggest reporter for this kind of internet stuff is some little twerp named Preston.

He’s got a real sour attitude, but I don’t blame him. I blame the parents. You give a kid a phone too young and it starts to rot their head. You ever see those little babies at restaurants that can’t talk or walk or nothing, but they know how to work the iPad? Creepy as heck if you ask me. Only reason we got Kaitlyn a phone is so she could tell us when to come pick her up from swim practice.

4) What in the–?! Turns out Madissyn is already famous for popping her zits on the web?!

When I asked my old man for an electric guitar, he made me sit in the basement with a sock in my mouth, so I told myself I’d try to keep an open mind about what my kids would be into, but stuff like this I just don’t get. There’s all sorts of this, excuse my French, “crap” out there: kids chugging ketchup, kids smashing video game systems, kids throwing water bottles on desks and other kids freaking out. I’m not saying all the YouTube stuff is bad. You ever see that kid? The one with the crazy voice? What’s his name? Poo-dee-poo? Pew-da-plow? He’s funny, man. He’s really, really funny.

5) I’m sorry I can’t get off of this, but how in the heck are these kids famous?

Now we find out that another one of these tweens does Family Guy impressions?

Man, if that’s what kids want then Tom in my office should be a millionaire. He’s scary good. Really. We can’t get off a call with the guys in Cincinnati without him doing his Stewie.

And another one of these girls is famous for something called Venmoat? I asked Kaitlyn what that means and she said that people like it when she pays other people money. That blew my mind, because I can barely get a “thank you” when I give Kaitlyn her allowance.

6) Todd has to get up there talk to the kids, which is every parent’s absolute nightmare.

No parent will ever admit this, but talking in front of a bunch of kids is just about the scariest thing we can do.

At that age, kids just hate everything and we know that they could tear us to shreds if they wanted to and we’d have no idea what they’re even talking about ‘cause they’re all speaking that secret teen language. I don’t know how Todd has got the stones to kick off a concert in front of 20,000 kids. I mean, I almost passed out that one time I did Kaitlyn’s career day and I only had three boys show up to my talk because they thought “CPA” was that government agency that listens to everyone’s phone calls and looks at your nudie pics.

7) See! Now the kids are booing Maddisyn. Didn’t I just tell you? Man, some kids are so mean.

She doesn’t get one second into her song and these kids are booing her until she pops a zit for ‘em?!

Man, I had a hard time watching this ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinking about the time some girl yanked Kaitlyn’s ponytail at a birthday party and I wanted to ask her father what kind of man he thought he was, but my wife made me wait in the car until I cooled off. And why do these kids want to see zits pop so bad. I just… I just don’t know sometimes.

8) Maddisyn and her dad get in a big fight and believe me, I know what that’s like.

Maddisyn is upset about getting booed and she wants to quit and Todd won’t let her and they get in a big tiff about it backstage.

Kaitlyn and I have had our fair share of disagreements (I don’t care what names she calls me, no belly shirts until she has a driver’s license), but Todd and Maddisyn have it out in front of everybody because some backstage #FOAMY cam is broadcasting it to the jumbotron. It plain stinks to be on camera when you don’t know it. Kaityln took a branch or a twig or some kind of loopy video of me snoring once and I didn’t find out ’til a week later. She begged me not to make her delete it ‘cause she said “Fat Dad Sleeping” was her most popular one yet. Man, the things you’ll do for your kids, right?