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December 08, 2017
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White House Menus for the Week Before Christmas, Written by Donald Trump and New Executive Chef Brayden Evans, 14

President Trump fired long-serving White House Executive Chef Christeta Comerford, naming little-known chef Brayden Evans to the post. Evans, 14, previously worked one summer at Southern Indiana’s Brown County State Park Pool Snack Bar and Grill and was also voted “most fun at recess” at his middle school. The following menus for the week before Christmas – created jointly by Trump and Evans – were leaked to the press. At the President’s request, all meals are to be served with a side of fries.

*Melania’s meals will consist of a glass of water and one raspberry, if she’s been a good girl.

MONDAY DECEMBER 18

Breakfast: Mickey Mouse Waffles

Lunch: Mozzarella Sticks

Afternoon Snack: Christmas Cookies

Dinner: Plain Pizza

Midnight Snack: Bucket of Chicken

TUESDAY DECEMBER 19

Breakfast: Glazed Christmas Ham

Lunch: Well Done Rib Eye Aged 45 Days for the 45th President

Afternoon Snack: Cheetos

Dinner: Tums

Midnight Snack: Bucket of Chicken

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 20

Breakfast: Bucket of Chicken

Lunch: Presidential Poo Poo Platter

Afternoon Snack: Piece of The Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake That Has Ever Been Created And Could Only Be Made For Me, Donald J. Trump

Dinner: Stocking Full of Stuffing

Midnight Snack: Entire Advent Calendar

THURSDAY DECEMBER 21 aka “SPA DAY”

Breakfast: Egg VERY White Omelette

Lunch: Lipitor Crushed in Light Eggnog

Afternoon Snack: Reduced Fat Cheetos

Dinner: Diet Coke

Midnight Snack: Seven Almonds

FRIDAY DECEMBER 22

Breakfast: Fuck It Bucket of Chicken

Lunch: Sorry Not Sorry Bucket of Chicken

Afternoon Snack: Remaining 7/8 of The Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake That Has Ever Been Created And Could Only Be Made For Me, Donald J. Trump

Dinner: Fettucine à la Slim Jim

Midnight Snack: Merry Christmas not Happy Holidays Big Bucket of Fucking Chicken

SATURDAY DECEMBER 23/ SUNDAY DECEMBER 24 / MONDAY DECEMBER 25

POTUS @ Mar-a-Lago

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