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April 22, 2015
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With the Clinton campaign trying to raise $100 million, it's only fair you see exactly how each one of those dollars will be spent.

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How am I going to spend $100 million? Like a baller. Next question.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign plans to raise $100 million for the primary season. That probably sounds like a ton of money, but when you look closely it’s pretty reasonable. See below for the full breakdown of how the Clinton campaign plans to spend those funds.


  • $10,000,000 spent convincing Elizabeth Warren not to run for president
  • $9.50 spent on a Chipotle chicken burrito bowl to end republican claims that she is, “Too much of a democrat to chew meat.”
  • $24,000,000 spent on a yacht that keeps Bill Clinton out in the middle of the ocean for eight months. (Yacht was originally $18,000,000 until former President Clinton asked for “an extra six-large,” because, “Fuck it. Who’s going to tell me no?”)
  • $56,000 spent paying a staffer to repeatedly egg Rush Limbaugh’s house for all the times he’s about to make reference to Hillary’s, “Rapid and uncontrollable lady bleeds.”
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This is the hand I will use to beat to death anybody who references my sex organs during this campaign.


  • $18 spent on an airport Au Bon Pain sandwich.
  • $50 spent on a fine for screaming at an airport Au Bon Pain sandwich maker for, “Not telling me pesto was four goddamn dollars!”
  • $20.50 spent on deep fried Oreos, Snickers, and butter consumed at Midwestern State Fairs to prove Hillary is one of the common people.
  • $13.00 spent on Ipecac consumed throughout the Midwest.
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You people eat like stray dogs on a cheat day.


  • $550 spent on a new pant suit, which isn’t weird at all. Like if Marco Rubio bought a new suit on the campaign trail we’d all go, “Obviously, that makes sense. He’s running for president and he needs to look his best.” But a lady did it, so we’re all, “Shopping is a lady’s favorite!” Grow up. She needs clothes.
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My clothes? You’re worried about my clothes? I’m standing next to a silk Hershey’s chocolate bar and you’re worried about my clothes?


  • $5,000,000 on commercials that try to accurately represent her positions on numerous important political topics, while also playing down how she’s essentially American royalty and part of a political dynasty that’s lasted since the ’90s.
  • $10,000,000 spent convincing Bill not to run for president.
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This is how I laugh when I remember how absurdly powerful I am.


  • $770 spent on another pant suit. Get over it.
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Would you prefer this? No, you fucking wouldn’t.


  • $7,000,000 spent printing and handing out pamphlets that outline Hillary Clinton’s stance on many issues — for example, the importance of preserving the environment.
  • $24,000,000 spent on another yacht for Bill after, “Some stuff went down,” on the first one.
  • $19,942,586 spent preemptively suing Florida for whatever shit they’re going to try and pull.
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Fuck, I hate campaigns.

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