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17 Funny Votes
3 Die Votes
185 Views
Published November 12, 2011
Im a bully.  I love shovin' nerds into lockers. I love punching nerds, pinching nerds, even crawling into nerds rooms while they're sleeping and choking them out while Reign in Blood blasts from my boom box.  One time i cornered a nerd in the locker room after P.E class, and shoved him into the Shower with me.  I pulled out my homemade soap called "Nerdish Spring," and washed every nook and cranny on his body in an attempt to "wash the nerd" off of him. I wont lie, the thought of singlehandedly solving the nerd epidemic with an invention of my own gave me quite the raging, pulsating boner. The soap failed and i got suspended, which is totally bogus because Dean Warge has a P.H.D, which makes her Queen Nerd, and of course she would side with that suds covered, gay nerd.  I got her back though, while she was on vacation with her family, i set fire to her house.  I hid in the shrubs for ten days because i wanted to see the expression on the nerd family's faces when they pulled up to their burnt down house. They all cried!!! Even the dad!! My boner was almost as raging as when i was in the shower with that nerd that got me suspended!
    Unlike your standard bully, i am a very clever, creative bully.  Say there's a nerd talking to some girl in the hallway. Your standard bully will bump into him sending him careening into the wall and say something like, "oops, didn't see you there." Not bad, but there is so much more you can do!  What i would do, and have done, is pull out my stun gun.  I set it to high and very casually zap him in the side while looking the other way.  The nerd voids his bowels right in front of everyone, even the girl he finally got the confidence to talk to!!!!  That little jewel made a nerd commit suicide back in 08'.
    I guess my dad is my biggest influence on my nerd bashing.  My dad does not tolerate ANY nerd behavior, not even from me.  One time i spilled some shrimp ramen powder onto the floor, and I guess Dad thought that was "nerdy enough" to warrant a beating.  Dad took a swig off his "nerd smashing juice" (a clear liquid contained in a 750 ml glass bottle) and proceeded to whomp my head with a frozen banana he found in the back of the freezer.
    Yes sir, i am a bully and damn proud of it.  Savage Henry originally wasn't going to run this piece, but after showing Chris Durant my block of Nerdish Spring and saying "you look a little Nirty," he immediately changed his tune. Please check out my piece in next months issue titled, "How to smoke crystal meth out of a 60 watt light bulb."    
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