Full Credits

Stats & Data

December 28, 2013

I'm a writer on the brink of making it as a huge success in the world of TV. Here's just one of my hundreds of future TV classics.

Hi Janet,

This is Matt again (Matthew Stott, writer/script editor/foot model), further to the three emails you haven’t been able to reply to yet (and I've been unable to get past your receptionist when I've tried to call you, seriously, fire that woman), I just thought I’d send you the first few pages for the sure-fire hit TV adventure/erotic show I’ve been sticking together, ‘The Ghost Of Goose Shatner, Night Detective’. I have all 137 eps (plus three-to-four Christmas specials) written and polished to perfection (no crit or discussion or further work required or requested), which yes, means as soon as we get together and show this to a network commissioner, we could get into production THE VERY NEXT DAY. I don’t need to tell you what an advantage this would be for you and the channel 


Matt Stott. (Matthew Stott, writer/script editor/foot model).


The bar is very sleazy, not a high class place at all; people catch aids here whilst having sex through a cubicle hole in the men’s bogs.

The place is wall to wall lady sex parts (full of women you'd like to have sex on). Every woman is really hot (Victoria Secret's model hot) and none of have them have a breast size below DD (THIS IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL AND VITAL TO MY ARTISTIC VISION. ANY SMALLER THAN DD AND WE MAY AS WELL NOT BOTHER BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING IS RUINED)

A man enters; this is GOOSE SHATNER, Night Detective. Only he doesn’t just enter, he walks in through a solid brick wall. This is because GOOSE SHATNER is actually a ghost. He’s the dead twin of Bill Shatner (William Shatner, the actor, T.J Hooker).

Every eye turns to look at GOOSE SHATNER as he enters (also he floats about 1-to-five inches off the ground, I’m willing to leave the exact amount up to the director and the special effects guys) (As long as they run it past me and I agree at some point).


Hey baby, My name is Goose Shatner, I’m a night detective and also a ghost, I hear Jeff The Slicer drinks here, is that correct? There’s no point lying to me as one of my ghost powers is the ability to tell when a sexy woman is lying to me. I’m also able to make sexual love for up to eleven hours, unlike living men, like my living twin, Bill Shatner.


He already left.


Okay. Can I buy you a drink? You look like a gin on the rocks kind of a woman, the kind of a woman who has done some bad things in the back seat of a beat up car with mean faced men. Sex things. But not for money, you’re not a whore, you’ve just made a few bad mistakes in your time and I can relate to that, I once punched a bull full in the face and Lord knows that was a strange thing to do but we all do crazy things when we’re young.


Gin, yes please.


Hey bartender, a gin on the rocks for the lady with the larger than DD chest luggage, I’ll take a brand name whisky, bag of chips, and no funny business or I’ll knock your block off. (shakes fist)


Yes sir, I will have your order all ready in a few moments. Has anyone ever told you that you’re see-through?


(SIGHS) That’s because I’m a ghost, a ghost night detective. Now less off the lip and get with the pouring or I’ll turn your face into a landing strip for my fists.

The BARTENDER starts preparing the order, shaking a bit because he’s scared of what Goose just said. (Make it clear the last thing this man wants is for his face to be a landing strip for Goose Shatner’s fists. We really REALLY need an actor for the role who does good ‘shaky’ acting. A Michael J Fox type.)


Hey Goose, eat fist-!

The MAN, as we will find out towards the end of the series, is GOOSE SHATNER’S mortal enemy, the two will have many meetings/fights/cross words. He’s like GOOSE SHATNER’S Moriarty, or the Janitor to GOOSE SHATNER’S J.D. on sitcom ‘Scrubs’)


 Here we go again...

The MAN tosses a right hook, which GOOSE SHATNER side-steps with ease; the loose fist cracks the BARTENDER full on the chin, sending him sprawling back into the peanuts.


 (CHUCKLES TO BARTENDER) Keep the change!

GOOSE SHATNER dodges a couple of more wild swings, then lays a boot right in the MAN’S ball-bag. The MAN goes cross-eyed and falls to his knees, GOOSE SHATNER letting out a hearty laugh.


 Right in the balls.



The MAN is tossed into the street through the window, and lands in a puddle of very dirty water. GOOSE SHATNER walks through the wall to join him, a watching TRAMP sees this, rubs at his eyes, looks at his bottle of booze, then throws that bottle of booze away because he believes all the drink is making him hallucinate a man walking through a wall (which we’ve already established for the viewers sake is something Goose Shatner is able to do because he has no physical body as he is a ghost)


 Dumpster time, idiot!

GOOSE SHATNER lifts the MAN up by his tie and punches him clean through the air and into an open dumpster (in slow-motion). GOOSE SHATNER rubs his hands as if to say ‘taken care of business, there’ without having to actually say the words.

The HOT GIRL exits and points her larger than DD breasts in GOOSE SHATNER’S direction.


You really are quite an impressive man.


You’ll find out just how impressive when we get back to my place and we have sex. Three times.

The HOT GIRL laughs, takes GOOSE SHATNER’S arm, and the pair head off to his place for sex. As a saxophone plays.