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March 21, 2017

Ugh. The worst.

People who used to be able to lick their elbow but lost both arms in a freak skiing accident are usually pretty thick-skinned, given all they’ve gone through. But they are really sick and tired of hearing the following things, and you should probably just avoid saying it to them.

1. I bet it would be cool to perform a funny physical trick that few other people can do.

2. At least you still have your legs and a long, flexible neck.

3. I’m thinking of hitting the slopes this weekend. Wanna come?

4. Would you be down to snowboard? I’d think you still could, as long as you have good proprioception.

5. Besides not being able to lick your elbow, what’s the worst part about not having any arms anymore?

6. What’s worse? Not being able to lick your elbow anymore or not being able to eat?

7. High five!

8. Put it this way, if the U.S. had voted to make sign language the national language back in 1894 at the Equal Sign Language Rights Convention in Dayton, Ohio, you would have really been screwed. Never heard of the ESLRC? It was pretty progressive for it’s time. I don’t believe blacks were allowed though, even deaf ones.

9. I bet I could rob you blind right now. Blind and armless, how would you like that, cretin?

10. How’s your sex life? Mine’s probably better than yours. Yes, that does make me feel better, actually.