I would like to use this forum to offer my sincerest apologies to viewers of the nominations for the 87th Academy Awards and in particular, to Mr. Turner cinematographer Dick Pope for accidentally pronouncing his name “Dick Poop” during today’s announcements.

I am so, so embarrassed — what a massive boner, right? The best I can do is assure you that it was nothing more than a slip of the tongue, and sometimes when your tongue slips, it ends up right in some deep doo-doo. The thing is, I’m usually so anal about these things, so to screw the pooch like this was a surprise to me more than anyone. What can I say, except that I put it right in my mouth at the worst possible time.

I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Julianne Whore, Emma Boned, Michael Beatin’, B.M. Anderson, Bradley Pooper, Marion Cockturd, Rosamund Dyke, Peethan Hawke, Mark Stuff-a-hoe, J.O. Simmons, Meryl Shitcunt, Richard Stinkletter and all of the other nominees for the 87th Academy Awards. I in no way meant for my mistake to take away from or overshadow your incredible achievements and artistry in the arena of filmmaking.

I would also like to apologize to my co-presenter, Piss Pine, who was the picture of decorum and grace in the face of my huge cock-up.

So, once again, I am incredibly shit-dicking sorry.


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