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July 13, 2008


so yesterday i had to work a short shift here at the cigar store early in the morning. when i got home (around 2pm) there was a christain block party happening right in front of my house. they had a giant sound system, two big grills, a terrible puppet theater (really, lilke, the worst i've ever seen), and about ten bike cops...all for a crowd of about 15 adults and around 10 children. as i approached my door the lady on the mic started yelling for me to join them...and soon she had the whole crowd of adults (since they were the only ones paying attention to the performers...the children were more interested in jumping their bikes and skateboards off makeshift ramps) CHANTING "join us, join us, join us!"...it was slightly unnerving to say the least.

i avoid making eye contact with the crowd and scurry into my apartment...but there is no escaping them. yes, they may have stopped chanting when i was out of sight, but their sound system was so loud that it was really like they were performing in my living room. the whole house would shake when the band would play (which was pretty constant). it was all rather uncool. and according to my rommate (who likes to sleep in until i get home on saturdays) they started at around 9am with the music and the singing and the fire and brimstone speeches about god's love.

to avoid the jesusfest outside the roommate had decided not to acknowlege the outside world at all. he put two wax earplugs in each ear, pulled his blanket over his head and told me to wake him when it was over.

i did not have this luxury as i had promised a friend i would watch her child for the evening. so i ventured back out in to god's love. this time i was greeted by and very angry sounding puerto rican man who was explaining, in the vaguest of terms, what jesus was doing for us all and, in not so vague terms, what we owed him for doing all this great stuff.

...i put my head down and walked past them all as fast as possible without running.

after retrieving the child (who i affectionately call "little tree") we walk (very slowly, cause she's only been walking for a few months) back to my apartment (stopping at a park along the way to splash around in a fountain that caught both our eyes). when the block party for the lord is back in range Little Tree get very anxious, so i pick her up to carry her the last 100 feet, or so, to my door.

everyone in the crowd (now about 20 adults and 10 kids) is staring at me with this baby. i smile and keep walking. suddenly i am clipped by a preteen in a bike who wasn't looking where he was going. i nearly drop Little Tree and am barely able to keep my own balance. the kid doesn't even apologize and tries to just get back on his bike and ride away. i grab the back tire and lift it off the ground.

"GIMME MY BIKE BACK!" the kid screams at me. "not until you say you're sorry." i say camly and frimly. "GIMME MY BIKE BACK!" he screams again, this time he's got tears. a short, round hispanic woman comes thundering over towards me, "what are you doing to my baby!" she shrieks. "HE'S STEALING MY BIKE MOMMY!" the boy yells in spanish. i get a look that could have melted a lesser man's face from the boy's mother. i lift Little Tree onto my shoulders (she hasn't taken her terrified little eyes off me since we were nearly run over...but she hasn't cried yet either) so she can't see my face when i talk to this self-righteous bitch.

i look the woman in the eyes with a focused, violent expression, "all i want is an apology from this kid who nearly ran us over"

"he didn't run you over, you walked in his way", she takes a step towards me, about to poke a finger in my chest...i slap it away so that her own hand hits her on the chin. "ASSAULT! ASSAULT! THIS WHITE MAN HIT ME!" she woman begins screaming at the bike cops that are still hanging out on the edge of the 'party'.

(also, i must note that all god related activities on the stage had stopped at this point and everyone was focused on my little situation.)

one of the bike cops comes over and starts speaking to the woman and the boy in spanish. i can't keep up with them at all so i just roll my eyes and start to walk away.

"hold on please sir", the cop says. i stop and sigh, expecting badness. "don't you want an apology?" she asks (sorry, forgot to mention, female cop). i must have done a terrible job of concealing my surprise because the cop burst out laughing when i turned around and the little fat mother started pointing at me and spekaing very quickly again. the boy covered his mouth. Ms. copper got her giggles under control and forced the boy to apologize...i didn't buy it, but i just wanted to get into my apartment and play with the child on my shoulders (plus, i was pretty sure she needed a change). so i thanked the boy and the cop and told the round bitch to eat a dick. and i went inside.

when i got to the door and took Little Tree off my shoulders i felt something squish in my hand...suddenly i realized what tha cop was REALLY laughing at. during the commotion the baby had pooped and it had leaked out of her diaper and onto me...so there i was talking to those people, recieving a forced apology from some spoiled little shit, with feces on my shoulder.

i hope i wore it well.