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May 26, 2015
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Other Documents Collected During Abbottabad Raid that Killed Bin Laden

Office of Director of National Intelligence Reveals Other Documents Collected During Abbottabad Raid that Killed Bin Laden

The Office of the Director of National Intelligence recently released a “tranche” of documents collected during the raid that killed Usama bin Laden in a compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. The document drop includes letters to various mujahidin, a list of books, and several news clippings.

We have special access to the second tranche of documents the DNI has yet to release publicly from that same raid.

Among other items found at bin Laden’s compound:

1. A mix tape from Ayman al-Zawahiri, bin Laden’s deputy and successor, to bin Laden

The outside label of the cassette contains the following handwritten notes (Translator’s Note: All dots over the letter “i” are heart-shaped):

· Two Tickets to Paradise (Eddy Money)—We’re in this together, Usama!

· Piece of Me (Britney Spears)—Good song for Martyr training.

· Paradise (Coldplay)—Until we can attain the real thing!

· Dynamite (Taio Cruz)—That’s what you are, Usama. And that’s all that remains of so many of our Brothers, Peace Be Upon Them.

· Telephone (Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce)—Remember when we used to be able to use telephones?? Good times!

· Bulletproof (La Roux)—This is what I hope you are, Usama!

· SingleLadies (Put a Ring on It) (Beyonce)—I have suggested this to our propaganda department to help recruit young women to be wives for our Martyrs. Also, very catchy tune.

· My Life Would Suck Without You (Kelly Clarkson)—It’s true, Usama. It’s true.

· Pocketful of Sunshine (Natasha Bedingfield)—That’s what you are to me!

· The Way You Make Me Feel (Michael Jackson)—Is great!

· Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (Wham!)—To lighten your mood when you are down. It always helps me feel better.

2. Piece of paper with handwritten notes, titled, “Ideas to Bring Down the Infidel”

· Idea: The infidels love that atrocity they call football, which is an assault on the true Beautiful Game, which they insult with the twisted name of soccer. And that football is a sport that is an affront to us, with the skin of the filthy pig thrown near and far. O! that we could destroy those balls and disrupt their holiest of days! And that we could bring down as well one of their most beloved sportsmen whom they regard as an idol, to teach them idolatry is sinful!

· I see llamas running through the streets of the infidel’s kingdom. Talk to Ahmed. Can we make this happen?

· Thought: Destroy the infidel’s faith in CNN. Ridiculous holograms? But don’t touch Anderson Cooper.

· Spread that video of Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. And they’re scared of our religion?

3. A Letter from bin Laden to his Pakistani ISI handler

Dear (Name Redacted),

Thank you for the house.

While its walls do sometimes obfuscate a splendid view and although our military neighbors often perform extensive and loud exercises at inopportune times, I am most grateful for the shelter. I admit it is difficult to climb three flights of stairs and slightly inconvenient that there is only one bathroom upstairs, but I do appreciate the effort. Please let me know soonest about my request for delivery of my special chai-based facial cream (which must be sieved to ensure it contains no infidel surveillance device. That was so embarrassing last time! I thought Ahmed was going to kill me. Unfortunately for him, the infidels got to him first!).

Peace Be Upon You, Brother.

Usama

p.s. Could you also continue delivery of Breaking Bad on DVD? Consider me hooked! Walter White is so evil, yet so sympathetic. I must study this. O! that I shall live to see how this ends, insh’Allah!

4. A To Do list

· Destroy Western civilization

· Prepare dinner (lamb? again?)

· Burn trash

· Pace

· Watch porn

· Pray (5x)

· Measure compound walls (Is compound getting smaller? Feels like it.)

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